and it feels like love/ got the radio on/ and it's all that we need

[Psychedelic Furs, Heartbreak Beat]

So I realize that my posts have been maudlin at best, and I should both elaborate, and labour to fix that.

My ever-observant husband put it best: Ladies and Gentlemen, at the ripe old age of 41, I’ve broken up with the “goth scene.” *pours a bottle of absinthe for my spookies*

Quite seriously, I’m going through something I dislike greatly… I’m at one of those crossroads where my life’s taking a turn [metaphor cliché figure of speech]  and I’ve already made huge changes that happened without me really dealing with them, I guess. When I moved here to the bottom of NC, I knew a lot was changing, even more than it had in the past two years, but I didn’t expect to find myself shifting in fundamental identity. I was strongly identified with serving the music, with being a creative person who shaped her life and activities around rock’n’roll and nightlife and bringing music to eager listeners. Two things changed that: moving a bit too far away from active clubs/audiences, and my growing inability to be around smoke-filled environments. In September I grew ill enough that I foresee only no-smoking venues in my future for the rest of my life.

It became harder to care, honestly, because it hurt. I stopped actively listening to music that I couldn’t sing with, new bands stopped appealing to me – and of course, as a non-working DJ, my access to new music dropped. It was a circle that fed itself.

Add to this a need to create my own business and steady income, and immersion in a new community – the Etsy community –  and I was trying hard to keep busy, to build something new of myself or at least put different parts of myself together to assemble a different image with the same puzzle pieces.

It’s been good, don’t get my wrong. I’m growing, I’m finding that slowly but surely I’m becoming happier here and happier in this new life. Being with Rob helps, too, because he is so excellent to me. But I’m stuck in this task… stuck in trying to create a new direction for myself that I can throw myself into. I need crusades, I need Big Goals, I need to feel important in some way outside of myself. Maybe that’s a failing on my part, but I do.  Rob pointed out that I need to feel like I’m in the limelight, and that’s true. I mean, I was a theater/dance college major-type. I’m used to doing amazingly fun things that everyone wants to do with their lives. It’s a little humbling to be a housewife, even though I am also an entrepreneur.

So there you have it, a little view into what’s been going on here in XianeLand. I’m looking now to get a grip on what direction I would like to head in, and with the increase in sunny hours and perhaps even a talk to some professional-types, the doldrums should pass soon.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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