"In every dance no steps are placed / And every path mistakes are made"

And if all paths lead but to the grave
Then let us dance along our way “

[Faith and The Muse, Scars Flown Proud]

I did it.

I went there, escorted by my faithful supporter, my wonderfully patient husband, and I waited for more than an hour to see the doctor. I had the usual weight taken [about the same], pulse [excellent], and blood pressure [120/80]. I was told that I am the appearance of health, as I usually am told. I leaned over to Rob while we were alone in the exam room and said, “Not bad for a fat, depressed girl, eh?” Yep, my humour never leaves me, even when I’m nervous.

Finally the Good Doc came in. She’s a funny one – spunky, small, quick-witted. I like her a great deal, which is saying quite a lot, considering my past experiences with doctors. She asked me what was wrong, and I took a deep breath and dove right in.

  • unmotivated
  • sad, yet often numb
  •  sometimes anxious
  • feeling worthless
  • crying uncontrollably sometimes
  • nothing is exciting, in fact I care about very little most of the time
  • small things seem much too important, in comparison
  • body tired, soul tired
  • often despairing

Yep. Depressed. I also confessed that this was keeping me away from other people, because interactions left me happy while they were happening – but not soon after parting, I would crash, hard. It made it difficult to want to be around people. Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on people, so this is definitely a departure for me.

I left with a bag of Cymbalta 30mg samples – a month’s worth – some advice that she knew I already knew about getting out and moving around, and the feeling that maybe for once I’d done the right thing. The weight of all of this has been, as Rob accurately pointed out, like an albatross around my neck, and I feel so much lighter already.

So I also noticed a few things – side effects – and I decided that I’ll chronicle those here, and use a small bit of this space to keep an eye on changes. It might also prove educational for someone else, I figure.

I took my first pill at 11pm on March 18th. The first night, I felt giddy-tipsy, like I was drunk, and amorous.

The next”morning”, around 4pm on March 19th, I felt tremors in my hands, but otherwise felt fine, until I sat down  to eat my first meal. I had half a small glass of OJ, which I used to take my Repliva iron pill, and two bites of a bland cereal with soy milk – and I was gripped with a terrible stomach pain out of nowhere, similar to when I was getting the vomitus issue all the time. I was pretty shocked and a little frightened, because the LAST thing I want to do is start the cyclical vomiting again!

I went to the bathroom and tried to will away the nausea and pain, and eventually it did go away, about 20 minutes later. I was also experiencing severe hot and cold flashes, and they lingered after the nausea subsided. In fact, I stayed cold for a good part of the day.

I was afraid to eat anything, and in fact didn’t eat again until about 8:30pm. I seemed fine to eat and had no problems. I have continued to feel pretty… high, and in a good mood. Also, I’ve been twitchy – my hands, my fingers. I can’t sit still.

I took my pill again at 11pm. We’ll see if I get nauseated again. I’ll be documenting.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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