“ And if all paths lead but to the grave
Then let us dance along our way “
[Faith and The Muse, Scars Flown Proud]
I did it.
I went there, escorted by my faithful supporter, my wonderfully patient husband, and I waited for more than an hour to see the doctor. I had the usual weight taken [about the same], pulse [excellent], and blood pressure [120/80]. I was told that I am the appearance of health, as I usually am told. I leaned over to Rob while we were alone in the exam room and said, “Not bad for a fat, depressed girl, eh?” Yep, my humour never leaves me, even when I’m nervous.
Finally the Good Doc came in. She’s a funny one - spunky, small, quick-witted. I like her a great deal, which is saying quite a lot, considering my past experiences with doctors. She asked me what was wrong, and I took a deep breath and dove right in.
- unmotivated
- sad, yet often numb
- sometimes anxious
- feeling worthless
- crying uncontrollably sometimes
- nothing is exciting, in fact I care about very little most of the time
- small things seem much too important, in comparison
- body tired, soul tired
- often despairing
Yep. Depressed. I also confessed that this was keeping me away from other people, because interactions left me happy while they were happening - but not soon after parting, I would crash, hard. It made it difficult to want to be around people. Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on people, so this is definitely a departure for me.
I left with a bag of Cymbalta 30mg samples - a month’s worth - some advice that she knew I already knew about getting out and moving around, and the feeling that maybe for once I’d done the right thing. The weight of all of this has been, as Rob accurately pointed out, like an albatross around my neck, and I feel so much lighter already.
So I also noticed a few things - side effects - and I decided that I’ll chronicle those here, and use a small bit of this space to keep an eye on changes. It might also prove educational for someone else, I figure.
I took my first pill at 11pm on March 18th. The first night, I felt giddy-tipsy, like I was drunk, and amorous.
The next”morning”, around 4pm on March 19th, I felt tremors in my hands, but otherwise felt fine, until I sat down to eat my first meal. I had half a small glass of OJ, which I used to take my Repliva iron pill, and two bites of a bland cereal with soy milk - and I was gripped with a terrible stomach pain out of nowhere, similar to when I was getting the vomitus issue all the time. I was pretty shocked and a little frightened, because the LAST thing I want to do is start the cyclical vomiting again!
I went to the bathroom and tried to will away the nausea and pain, and eventually it did go away, about 20 minutes later. I was also experiencing severe hot and cold flashes, and they lingered after the nausea subsided. In fact, I stayed cold for a good part of the day.
I was afraid to eat anything, and in fact didn’t eat again until about 8:30pm. I seemed fine to eat and had no problems. I have continued to feel pretty… high, and in a good mood. Also, I’ve been twitchy - my hands, my fingers. I can’t sit still.
I took my pill again at 11pm. We’ll see if I get nauseated again. I’ll be documenting.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Nichole // Mar 20, 2008 at 5:53 am
Aw. I hope you feel better soon.
*hugs*
2 Jennifer // Mar 20, 2008 at 7:56 am
Kudos to you for taking the big step of going to your doctor and for taking an even bigger step by sharing your story. I hope you are feeling better, all around, soon. Peace & Blessings to you!
3 Maya // Mar 20, 2008 at 9:36 am
I am sorry to hear you are meds but I hope that you feel better cause that is what matters. *LOVE*
4 Christian // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Good on ya, for having the wherewithal to chronicle your adventures here. Very good idea, very useful. Let’s hope these symptoms go away once your body gets used to them, or something.
I know what you mean, about crashing after a nice social interaction. I used to really feed on others’ company and have a similar crash. I’m not sure how to replicate that, and I’m not sure what it was in the interaction that got me so high. Was it the attention? Was it someone listening to me? Was I just riding someone else’s aura? If I could break it down and pinpoint it, I could start to find ways to replicate it. As it is, I only know I’m prone to geeking out on obscure interests for short periods of time…
5 MonkeySis // Mar 26, 2008 at 11:16 am
Wish I had known you were writing here before now.
From the conversations we had when I first started taking ADHD meds, I know how you feel about them, and I know how hard it was for you to come to this decision. I really struggled with it too; I still do, especially when the side effects kick my ass. But I don’t really have any question that it was the right thing to do. When you have a problem that keeps you from functioning at a healthy level in some way, and when there’s a potential solution to that problem, it makes more sense to examine that than let it go unexamined.
Having said that, sometimes the first med you try isn’t the right one. I tried Ritalin before going on Adderall. It made me depressed, profoundly anxious, and prone to irrational panic attacks. Adderall’s not perfect, especially in extended release. It doesn’t account for “good days” and “bad days” — sometimes I need more help than it gives me, and sometimes I’d be better off not taking it at all. When it hits me too hard, it’s like being stoned, minus the fun part. At night, I often get really bad insomnia and what I call “garbagehead” — where I am too tired to think straight, but too wired to sleep, and spend all night chasing various derailed trains of thought. And then I crash. Last month, I slept for almost an entire weekend, remaining awake barely long enough to scrimmage and meet pre-existing social engagements. But even that, with all its problems, is better than having a life that’s a long string of half-finished plans and careless mistakes.
Whether or not this is the right medication for you, or whether any medication at all is right, know that I am behind you 100 percent and that I am never more than a phone call away. RUV ROO!!!!!
Leave a Comment