Hopefully the hills that we travel on/will always be moving in the same direction

“And will there always be someone to guide us?
Guide us into the oceans, and the flowerbeds
where life grows – into these oil spills
And will there always be someone out there
to guide us into the oceans – into these
oil spills.”

[Siddal – Oil Spills]

Life’s a messy business. I look around at the fairly spacious apartment in which I reside and work and live and dream and love, and I see the residue of that existence – from the daily dirt that piles up, waiting for someone to move it to more acceptable places, to the personal debris that needs to be managed, shuffled to the appropriate shelves, drawers, and closets. We’re pilers and stackers here, we create monoliths of books and citadels of ephemera: mail, ticket stubs, notes, magazines, napkins, receipts. These items are the tokens that we gather as we move through our day, and they must be sorted and heaped and filed and trashed.

Then there’s the laundry, the garbage, the email, the dishes and the leftovers – they all need a home, they all take up space in my life and mind. I spend more time organizing and governing my life sometimes than I think I do actually living it.

Occasionally I look up and realize that I have all these balls in the air, and I’m tired of juggling. I think, in a way, my brain made me take a break when I got depressed – just like my body did when I got shingles a few years ago. Obviously, it takes a big shake-up to get my attention!

Slowing down causes me to think more. Now, don’t get the idea that I don’t spend a lot of time in thought, because that’s just not true. If there was a gold medal for contemplation… I might get the silver. Nah, I sell myself short. I do a lot of thinking, although I have to admit that I do more soul-searching than philosophical “deep thought.” Understanding the microcosm to understand the macrocosm and all that, you know. I try to be honest with myself, because that’s the only way that I’m going to fix anything inside myself. And I think that – truly – if I can figure myself out, I can deal with the rest of the world.

So what does this have to do with anything, Xiane? Well, I’m trying to clear out my daily life, pare down to the important things. And that’s both in my physical world as well as the inside realm of Xiane. Some of the things that I’ve purged include old clothes, ideas, patterns, and people.

However… there are some people that will never ever be cut from my life, at least not by my choice. They are my guiding lights, my favourite stars, my constants. I’m so glad to have them in my life, even if most of them are far away. Our paths may not be going in the same direction, but I am always looking for them, looking to them, thinking of them.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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