We're all alone on the stage tonight – We've been told we're not afraid of you

You can thank Ms Kate Bush [song: Wow] for tonight’s blog title.

re·cov·er (r-kvr)

v. re·cov·ered, re·cov·er·ing, re·cov·ers
v.tr.

1. To get back; regain.
2. To restore (oneself) to a normal state: He recovered himself after a slip on the ice.
3. To compensate for: She recovered her losses.
4. To procure (usable substances, such as metal) from unusable substances, such as ore or waste.
5. To bring under observation again: “watching the comet since it was first recoveredfirst spotted since its 1910 visit” Christian Science Monitor.
v.intr.

1. To regain a normal or usual condition, as of health.
2. To receive a favorable judgment in a lawsuit.
This blog is a document of my journey to regain myself, the authentic and true Xiane that was lost.
One could say that I’m working to restore what could be called “normal” although I doubt everyone would recognize it as status quo.
You could also say that I’m trying to compensate for what was lost – by not only rebuilding, but rewarding myself for getting through all the trials that life’s thrown at me.
I’ve been forged, for certain, and what remains is rare indeed and quite strong.
I’ve observed myself before, then lost track of me. Now I’m taking the steps to ensure this does not happen again.
Most importantly: I want to remake myself into the best Xiane that I can, building from my past experiences, reforging a stronger mettle. That’s why this blog is here.
I’ve been having a difficult time lately with this goal, I must admit. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to admit how I feel, because I know that other people have it much, much worse than I, in much more substantive ways. However, I know that my issues are keeping me from fulfilling my obligations as a human being – the reasons that I think I’m here – to my best ability… and there’s no reason why I should beat myself up for being a broken girl, especially when I’m really trying to fix it.
Having said that, I need to forgive myself for not living up to my recovery recently, and move the hell past the guilt. It’s going to happen, and neither excuses nor recrimination are needed. [and to those who might be reading and in the same rocking boat, that goes for you, too!]
Acknowledging that I’ve been having a hard time keeping motivated and creative is good, but the next step is to find a way to combat and cure this problem. There are several things that I want to explore:
  • forcing myself to take on less responsibility, at least for now
  • daily yoga
  • starting work on The Artists’ Way again
I’m going to approach this with gentleness and leeway for myself to make mistakes. And I’m going to enlist my friends and readers to suggest ideas to me for artist’s dates. Both deep and silly suggestions will be entertained!
Healing oneself takes so long…

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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