But sometimes it's hard To know if I'm doing it right.

“Can I have it all?
Can I have it all now?
We can’t have it all.

“We all have a dream… maybe.”

Suddenly my feet are feet of mud.
It all goes slo-mo.
I don’t know why I’m crying.
Am I suspended in Gaffa?
Not until I’m ready for you,
Not until I’m ready for you
Can I have it all.”

Kate Bush [suspended in gaffa]

I feel sometimes that I’m reconstructing my brain-palace one handmade brick at a time. Obviously this is a life-long process, but it still bears stopping for a moment of appreciation occasionally, to admire with awe the sheer amount of work that goes into reshaping oneself.

One of the tasks for this week in my Artist’s Way work is to identify my “blurts”  – the negative thoughts that pop into my head when I try to be creative, or even *think* about my creativity.  I hate even thinking that I sabotage myself, is that a blurt? Ha! Seriously, I see these blurts come up from time to time in my Morning Pages, so I know I’ve got ’em and they need addressing, so let’s throw some out there:

  1. What do *I* have to say that’s so special? No one will care about my thoughts!
  2. I have nothing interesting to offer, I’m incredibly boring.
  3. I’m too tired to be creative.
  4. I’m afraid that I’ll be mocked.
  5. I’m wasting my time with this “creative” stuff.
  6. All I ever do is talk about myself – I sound conceited.
  7. No one cares anyway.
  8. I’m just kidding myself about my worth.
  9. Does the world really need another self-defined crafter/writer/artist?
  10. Who the hell do I think I am?

Look, I didn’t even have to think about that very much. How sad is that, that it is SO easy to slip into negative thoughts about one’s work and worth?

I am worthy. People do care. I do have important things to say. I have work that touches people, and I’m enriched by sharing my thoughts and words. Even if this work matters to no one but me, that’s more than enough, because I am important enough to focus on. I am a good writer with insightful things to share, and I learn and grow by sharing.

If I ever doubt these words, all I have to do is look at the comments left here on my journal, or the supportive thoughts my friends share with me. I can tell by the way I’m uplifted and loved that I have worth, and my friends are my mirror when I can’t see that on my own. [thank you, friends!]

In regards to a previous post I made, about a dream I’d had, Gina had great insight – she linked my dream about looking at a house to the work I’m doing here, casting a critical but searching eye at the “new home” for me. [terrible summation, she says it so much better! Go look at her comment!]

The next night, I dreamed that Mr White and I were driving to the seashore [once again, the ocean!] over what my brain told me was the Bay Bridge. When we got to the end, there was a crazy and unsafe series of piers/ramps to drive over, with no guard rails, set at wild angles to each other. Mr White was driving and going a touch too fast to really navigate the piers well, and we were careening through, when suddenly a huge wave totally broke apart the piers, and we plunged into the drink. We managed to get out of the car and swim against the waves to shore, losing all our luggage in the process. We were forced to borrow clothes once we made it to a safe place, and although we were happy to be safe, we felt rather out of sorts in this strange place, even wearing things that were unfamiliar.

My brain does not deal in subtle symbolism! 😀

I should also add that dreams are a serious thing for me – I used to have the most incredibly vivid dreams, and I based a lot of my writing around them. I even wrote a very short lived project called “Oneiromancy” that was all dream-based writings. [so Gina, your dream interpretation was not only welcome but fascinating!] Do any of you use your dreams in this way? I’d love to hear more about that, if so.

My first week of The Artist’s Way work is almost through, and already I’m seeing huge shifts and changes! This is so neat.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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