"Don't you see the Woman who believed"

“Don’t you remember the
Night that spun
Wild ’round her body
Does her loss not
Make you feel so full
Of sleepless grace – liar!
If my face I could
Turn from you I would
To make me suffer the
Fate of a sinner
A heart with no passion”

Mors Syphilitica [The Woman Who Believed ]

Still haven’t broken my reading deprivation. I won’t say that it’s been an easy thing to do – for example, getting the new Body + Soul magazine in the mail made me pout, because I really wanted to look through it. As for meal planning, MrWhite and I have been pretty slack about that this week, which I fully intend to fix as soon as I can start reading again. [Not being able to look at cookbooks was a free pass to be totally lazy with our meals, an unfortunate side effect of this exercise!]

Now to dive into today’s Artist’s Way work. As usual, the chapters address tough questions, as well as rewarding ones… not to imply that the tough questions aren’t rewarding in their own way, but some are definitely easier to address than others. For one, the letter from my eight-year-old self to me now – oh, that’s dangerous territory, folks. We’ll see if I can really attack that one and share it here. *meeple*

Today’s work:

Look at one situation in your life that you feel you should change but haven’t yet. What is the payoff for you in staying stuck?

Oh, this is a tough question, too. One? I think I have two really pressing situations that I haven’t changed yet. One is my lack of dedication to getting my business *really* booming, and I suppose the payoff for that is that I get to confirm that I’m never going to be a success – self-fulfilling prophecy. And since the second is my ongoing failure to really, truly love myself – fat, aging, underachieving me along with pretty eyed, joke-cracking, sense of wonder me – I suppose they’re really both the same issue.

I will never truly succeed if I don’t allow myself to succeed. If I don’t succeed, then I can I can safely wallow in my self-pity and my lack of self-esteem. I don’t have to work at expanding my view of myself, I don’t have to work at anything at all. I can just sit here and be unhappy and be totally justified in it.

… I don’t want to be that person. That’s the whole point of this: taking the Cymbalta, trying to fix my self-care habits, opening my heart and my creative soul, telling my story in order to heal myself.

Dammit. I’m crying. This is hard, and I’m an emotional mess right now over this work and also over news I just received about a friend who has suffered a tragic loss. My heart is heavy with emotion, and I don’t think I can work on this any more this evening, at least not for now. Just keep this in mind – love deeply, my friends. Love the people in your life, and LOVE YOURSELF. Don’t deny yourself this love, because you deserve it as much as your family and friends do… without your self-love and self-care, you will eventually have the option of showering that same love upon those who reside in your heart.

Love deeply, love with all your heart.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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