here in the dark watching the screen

lyrics from Freur [doot-doot]

What motivates you?

I’m asking you, and I’m asking me. As for me, I don’t really know the answer to that right now, and it is a troublesome thing. I am not asking for you to answer *for* me – too much of that has gone on in my life. But I can tell you this: I used to know what the driving forces inside me were, and where I wanted to go… and these days, I’m no longer so sure. I know that I want to write. I want to make people stop being distracted by the everyday bullshit and take a few moments to open their thoughts and dream bigger, be inspired. But how can one inspire when one is lacking inspiration of one’s own?

I say that I *want* to write. I’m writing now, yes, but what I want to do is get back to crafting the stories and poetry that used to flow so easily. I’m working on that, with my Artist’s Way work and other forays into creative stimulation. However, I’ve been having a very difficult time staying motivated lately, and my rump has been draggin’ low low low.

I keep trying andtrying and I won’t stop, even though the effort is more than I can stand, some days. I know that some of you don’t believe me, that it could be so hard to just get up. “Just do it, Chris. You know you can. Saying that you can’t is just being weak, inaccurate, lazy, pathetic… an excuse.” Okay. I’m glad you think this, but you’re not over *here* in my body and brain. If you truly know me, you know that tough times have never kept me down, even if my mood was dragging. I am the grass that springs back up after being trod upon, the branch that snaps back, the frickin’ ant with the rubber tree plant. Even now, I’m constantly pushing to keep going, to take another step, to keep tapping on the laptop keys, to get another chore done or take a few steps outside the apartment. It’s just. So. Fricking. HARD.

I’ll have a good day. That will give me hope, and in that day I’ll try to get as much accomplished as I can without stressing myself out, because I know – oh, I know – that I need to make the best of my good days. The next day might be okay, but if I end up around too many people, or if I do too many things, I’ll have a Crash. Within the next few days I’ll Crash either way, and I won’t be able to get anything good done for at least four or five days after that. It’s so FRUSTRATING. I just want to be myself again, y’all. I want to be the Girl Who Gets Things Done.

There are so many places where my expertise and skills could be useful. There are so many things that I want to accomplish in the long run. I just need to find my way back to the Xiane who can do those things.

Gah. I should write about some good things too, right?

  • The craft show that I’m on the committee for, Craft Attack, is going to be freakin’ awesome! We have more artisan vendors than we could have predicted, plus the Charlotte Rollergirls… and many great sponsors, including Bust!
  • I spent a little while tonight playing with – you can see my “magic mirror” style creation here:
  • I did manage to make a delicious chickpea-fennel-artichoke salad yesterday [from this month’s Vegetarian Times]
  • I felt attractive today, even though I only rolled out of bed, pulled on some of my usual clothes, and threw a kerchief on my head. That’s a rarity, folks. I’d be glad for more days like that, at least.
  • I’m really quick at crossword puzzles and other word-related puzzles, often quick enough to even take myself by surprise.

I’ll try to write a more upbeat post later. Every effort counts.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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