[lyrics courtesy of The Dresden Dolls]
I’d forgotten how much just talking to people who care, and making good changes, and most of all listening to music can inspire me, stir that creative side of mine that bursts with words and dreams and thoughts but all too rarely, deeds… tonight, MrWhite and I are sitting here with the TV off and our headphones on, listening to music while our fingers both dance over the laptop keyboards that are probably all too often in front of us. He’s working, and I’m working in my own way, too – fixing the girl, stitching together the frayed bits of my life so that it resembles something tighter and more lovely, or at least something that isn’t too tattered and scattered.
Sometimes, my body is still, but the mind inside is dancing, leaping, spinning through the stars and the stray thoughts and the disorderly rooms of my mind where the starlight is kept. When I say starlight, I mean the memories of my experience of the Universe, and my own light, my little light that shines out from the space I occupy in this void that really isn’t a void – we just can’t see the tiny details that fill those spaces between us.
Those spaces between, and the details we can’t grasp – for a long time those were my focus. I wrote about them, all the things I wanted to see and bridge and banish with the heartlight of love. I sang songs from those words, I scribbled them on fine stationery and pretty papers and adorned them with inked swirls and sent them to strangers and penfriends… I put them online and I hid them in treasured journals. I published some in ‘zines that went all over the world. I burned some, and even threw a few into the river.
I was looking for others who search, who ask, who dream.
I feel alive, you see, and all around I saw people who were walking in sleep – stumbling through days, feeling the bare minimum, getting caught up in the unimportant details. I didn’t want that life. I didn’t want that sentence, to dull my head and heart and eyes, be satisfied with what I was supposed to want. I looked for those who ached for more. I ached for more.
I found peace, eventually. I found love. I found souls like mine, the dreamers of the world – and I lost some, but I found in the losing that some only are passing through on their journey to other places, and that was okay. I’ve got a few like-minded friends now that I look to with eagerness for their words and vision, their happiness to hear what I’ve been concocting inside, too. This is what I’d been yearning for, and what I’m most grateful to have found.
My light may be small, and the darkness may be all around – but my light is NOT alone.