Nick Drake always seemed to get the words/sounds right for these feelings. This video was, ironically, a tribute to Nick Drake that Heath Ledger put together.
When does the past stop having a hold over us? When do we get to put the monsters to rest? I have two; one is dead, and the other is entrenched in another life that some might consider to be karma’s payback… yet they hold me. I smile, and I feign a sense of togetherness, okayness. That’s how I get through each day. I tell myself that letting this sadness keep fingers is me is just allowing them to win. But you know, logic and reason don’t play well with emotion and depression.
To put the cherry on the shit-filled cupcake, my one place of stability was shaken to the core last night. One person can really pierce my heart to the gooey center, and last night that was achieved. I went from rock-solid ground to shifting sand in a millisecond, and I don’t know when my feet will be stable under me again. I cried, but crying doesn’t change the ripping, rending feeling one has when all the notions of how one is seen by one’s loved ones is changed forever in a heartbeat. I thought I knew where I stood… I didn’t know that there was a fault line below.
Oh, I’m still loved. Just not as I thought. Not as the person I see inside, I suppose. My inner mirror’s been faulty for a long time, anyway – see the first part of my post for why.
I’ll get through this; I always do. That’s the one thing that the Universe seems to bank on – my unending inner strength. Even when I’m worn down, there’s still this core of steel and diamond that nothing seems to touch.