be like water

lyrics today from Sarah Fimm [be like water]

If everything is just the way it should be
Why am I why am I still hungry
Be like Water

Don’t be shy, don’t shut your eyes
Don’t get high
Expand your Mind.
Don’t keep in touch, don’t touch yourself
Don’t ever want to be somebody else.
When everything is bad as it can be
Never be never be angry
Be like Water
Must be the answer you want

I’m coming to the realization that I *do* still harbour anger, deep inside me. Death is the final word, but it robbed me of my own. That’s life, that’s the way it is baby, that’s what I get – logic and emotions, like I have said before, are not always the bedfellows that they should be. *shrug* The trick of it is addressing that the frustration and anger ARE still there; burying it won’t make it go away. Address it, find an outlet for it, turn it into something good.

If I made a map of all my stumbles, my trips off the path to where I am now, it would look like one of those stupid Family Circle panels where Billy goes all over the neighborhood to get from the front door to the back door of his house. If I wrote a book about it, people wouldn’t believe that it was true. That’s one of the things I have to show for that time, at least – a great repertoire of interesting and weird tales to tell. Some of them I’ll never share. They’re either too embarrassing or too sordid to give to anyone that cares about me. Most of the people who know me now wouldn’t believe who I used to be.

Well, I’ve always been me. That’s a given. But there was a time where I drifted through some pretty ugly places, like a butterfly in a foundry, always just escaping before disaster befalls.

I’m not your slave
I’m not the one who burnt you out
Fucked you up and put you on
Broke you down
Ask someone else
To be that someone
I can’t be that someone who can
Be like Water
Why can’t I be the answer you want?

This Work is about deconstructing and reconstructing the Girl – using The Artist’s Way to uncover the blocks and objections that keep me from my Art… and in this case, at least in this post, Art = Life. I [re]discover the lovely bits hidden under the ugly places in me, and in turn I find that I’ve also buried unpretty things beneath the lovelier bits, too. It’s all part and parcel of the journey, and I’m throwing it out here not for judgment or absolution, but to speak the truth and move on. Doing in in a public arena is a bit of daring that opens me up to assessments from my friends and aquaintances, and I’m okay with that, as long as everyone keeps in mind that there’s more here than I’m saying, or even that I can consciously remember all the time. As things become clearer, I share them, sometimes to the tune of revisiting old events repeatedly as I gain more insight. If that becomes a drag for you, the reader, I respectfully point to my sidebar of links. *grin*

I am who I am. I am a mass of fucked-up-past and amazingly-good-considering-my-past present times and future-teeming-with-potential. I’m working hard to make me into the me that I envision, and sometimes that me doesn’t jibe with what others want me to be. Sometimes I rub people the wrong way, sometimes I surprise them with my compassion and deep thoughts. I spent much too much too long letting things roll off my back that I never should have, and that’s something I have taken time to change. I spent too much time fighting “the man” over the things that didn’t matter, when I should have been putting that energy into things that did. Now that I see it, I can change it. No blame, no recrimination, because every step gets me nearer to where I want to be, even if sometimes I do take the really long way around.

mint

Planting the seeds. Watching the seedling grow into the tall and strong plant that reaches towards the sky, that’s what I’m doing here. Your support has been like a light rain on my open leaves, and like the plants on my balcony, I welcome it with all my heart.

Maybe one day I really will write down a True History of Xiane. If nothing else, it would be interesting for all the bands I’ve seen!

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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