And she is not good or bad
Oh, but she wants all she could have
Your soul’s familiar call
This is it… I am and
It’s not like me
[Claire Voyant - not like me]
My silence is equal to my lack of passion. I am adrift in a sea of “I don’t care” and “I’m too tired” and “It doesn’t matter” – but it does matter and I do care, I’m just too tired and pained to admit it or do anything about it.
Depression is embarrassing. It’s humiliating to admit that I don’t have the drive to finish anything, that all I do seems to be sit around on my ass and think of nothing, or dream wistfully about the things I’d like to be accomplishing, if only I had the passion, the energy, the stamina, the will.
And people look at me and see a “healthy” person, which I can’t blame them for – and they wonder why I can’t just shake this off and get to doing… obviously it should be that easy. Just make yourself motivate, Xi.
It isn’t. I wish it was.
- Image by Getty Images via Daylife
I went to NYC recently. For most of the time I was there, I was energized, more than I have been in ages. I came home full of hope, ideas, thoughts.
I know that living here takes away some of that zest for life… no sidewalks, no bustling creative energies, no ever-changing wall of humanity to observe. I barely even have friends here. And of course, I’ve been becoming more isolated again, but that’s a side effect of the depression, too, that need to cut myself off from everything. It hurts me to be open like that – physically hurts. That stupid Cymbalta commercial about depression hurting? I really wish it wasn’t true. I get an ache inside, like someone was slowly squeezing my heart and lungs. My bones ache. I feel weak and ineffective.
What’s worse is that I hate hate hate talking about it, admitting it, telling people just what’s going on and how I feel. Like I said, it’s embarrassing… and I know that so many people discount these feelings. I understand it, and I wish I didn’t sound so whiny and weak. But I guess the only other options would be to either fake that everything is fine, or stop talking again. And I am tired of not communicating. I know that hurts my friends and family, too… and there’s enough hurt going on already without that.
And you might tell me the truth
And I might be reminded of you
In everything I see and that I feel
You might be…
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10 responses so far ↓
1 velmalikevelvet // Jun 29, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Oh, Xi, I am feeling so MUCH for you! I know exactly what you mean because it is the same for me. I don’t talk about it because I hate that “misery loves company” bullshit, & because it is humiliating, & because no one can do anything about it anyway. Not willing to do meds again, so I just surf through it, knowing when I’m in a trough between waves that there will be a crest coming.
It sucks ass that there is still such a stigma attached to depression that silences us. I thought about emailing you privately because I don’t like anyone to know that I suffer from it, but felt like that would be the coward’s approach & I’m always flapping my gums about living fearlessly.
Thank you for baring your pain for us so that I could join you in shouting:
Fuck OFF, depression!
Much love to you, V
2 Shannon // Jun 29, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Sister, I miss you. No one believes me as well when I say I’m sad or lost…I come across as too “put together” for something like that.
Love to you. Please write.
3 meghan // Jun 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm
*hugs* and not in the passive aggressive cartwright way… i know the feelings and struggle too… i just always look for the light at the end.
4 Snitches // Jun 29, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Oh Chris! You and I are in the same damn boat right now. We live a mile away from one another and have not seen each other in what seems like AGES.
I used to love to be out of the house. It didn’t bother me one moment to sit at the coffeeshop for 8 hours and do nothing but socialize and relax. Now, I feel like being away from home is so stressful. I just want to sit on the couch with a cat on my lap and do nothing.
I suppose that’s what you’re going through, in a way. There are some similarities. I’ve let so many opportunities pass by. Just wow.
On a brighter note, we need to get our butts in gear and do something about it. While I have been MIA from the outside world, I have changed so much about my house. Lots of new art, new flooring, new shelving, new toys, etc. It really makes me happy to stay here… so that’s something, right?
If you get that organization bug up your butt at some point, let me know! I’m pretty good with that stuff and I’d be more than happy to come over and help you get your office/supply area organized and cleaned out.
Plus, I am making an effort to go knitting tomorrow, damnit. I want to go so bad, but when I get off work, I just want to go home. I’m changing that. Starting tomorrow. Join me?
5 Jen // Jun 29, 2009 at 5:53 pm
That all sounds rather familiar.
♥♥♥ to you.
6 Karen // Jun 29, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I understand that it’s hard not to be embarrassed, but more power to you for being honest. I’ll take an honest person over a judgmental one any day.
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” — Marilyn Monroe
7 Cosset // Jun 30, 2009 at 12:49 am
i saw this post tweeted from velma and had to give a shout-out. thanks for sharing this about yourself. it’s strangely comforting to read. i’ve been struggling with depression too, especially this year, and am sort of hiding it because i’m sure everyone around me is sick to death of me whining. so your post is very validating and empowering!
i’m hoping the tour de fleece might motivate me a little – are you spinning along?
*hugs*
8 Maya // Jun 30, 2009 at 10:42 am
This is freaky. Were you in my head last night?
My mom called to make sure I was doing okay…cause I haven’t been. I was stirring beans and I just broke out in tears. I said just what you said above. OK, not exactly. I told her I felt lost and that my motivation was just not there.
I rarely talk about the hopelessness I feel. I try to stay strong. That is often times so draining. I woke this morning feeling slightly better. I think for me letting it out helps.
You sharing this helps me too. I love you! *HUGS*
9 MonkeySis // Jun 30, 2009 at 3:36 pm
First off, RUV ROOOOOOO.
Secondly, if your environment is affecting you that much, you and Rob have the power to change it. Move somewhere else…somewhere with more going on, and more to get you up and moving when you would otherwise bury your head under a pillow. This place would preferably have a harbor and crabs, of course.
10 Patty // Jul 4, 2009 at 8:46 pm
I don’t know you but yet when I read your bog it was like you were reading my mind. I’m so tired; I don’t care; and nothing really matters anymore. I feel so alone and yet I still want to push anyone who cares away. It’s strangely reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Thanks for sharing.
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