Nice face I'm making there.
Did I have fun, back then? I think I did from time to time, although I was consumed with trying to establish who I truly was. I did stupid things, things that I’m lucky to have lived through. I spent too much time in dirty alleys, decrepit houses, squats… I was reckless because that’s when I felt most alive. I didn’t know then what I know now about me [and the world] – I knew I was depressed, but not to the extent. I spent weeks lying in a room, listening to Bauhaus over and over, before I started getting really reckless, taking ridiculous risks… what finally got me up and moving was the challenge to find ways to kickstart life into an “exciting” place.
Sometimes I feel a million years’ worth of distance between the girl that I was, and the woman that I am now. I can look at the photos and see the me that was, but it’s as if I’m looking through a curtain of fog. Then again, there are so many nights that I can’t remember from that time, that it’s hardly surprising that I feel that way!
People who didn’t know me then usually can’t believe that the stories that I tell have anything to do with the me that they know now. People who knew me then often express surprise that I’m where I am. Xiane the enigma, whoop-dee-doo.
I have no idea what I’m trying to say here. I’ve just been lost in thought after stumbling on the above photo in my photos folder. It is always insightful for me to think about how far I’ve come.
7 responses so far ↓
1 jdavyd // Oct 16, 2009 at 6:00 am
i can relate to this. i too spent a hunk of time not knowing what was going on with my own emotions (but thinking i knew everything, in my case) and bumbling through situations that should have, at the very least, gotten me arrested. i recognized this sentiment in a song i wrote, “children take what we can see (when) we have only strength to breathe… there is one thing that i know… far we’ve come and still to go.”
PS i love the glasses in that picture.
2 Teresa // Oct 16, 2009 at 6:13 am
When was this picture taken?
3 JaneA // Oct 16, 2009 at 6:44 am
Oh, yes, I remember those days in my own life, too. I’ve got to get a scanner so I can scan some of the photos from that period of my life and add some reminiscences along with them. They’d be very similar to yours.
4 Maya // Oct 16, 2009 at 9:51 am
I have a hard time believing the person I was when I think back to the stupid STUPID things I have done and lived through.
It seems sometimes that life is a long continuous path. There are moments of recognition of earlier steps that have lead us to this one. Other times it seems like there are so many ahead. I guess the the moment we are in is the step we are taking now. Appreciating what we have learned from the past is a part of the continuation of life.
I guess what I am trying to say is I have had those moments too. I think it is what makes it easier to related to others who might be going through similar things. It is also a great source of info to avoid future damage.
Does that make sense? I don’t know. I am glad you have made it this far! *hugs*
5 MonkeySis // Oct 16, 2009 at 10:02 am
So much of our self-discovery process is taking blind stabs in the dark till we hit the target that we all have those moments that seem disconnected from who we’ve become. Sometimes we look back on them and realize how stupid they were; sometimes they are embarrassing. Luckily, I never had film in my camera during that time.
6 Diana // Oct 16, 2009 at 12:51 pm
You and I should get some chat time. I’ve been experiencing an awareness of multiple selves – who I was at certain ages – and thinking about what each of those children needed and, because my memory is so strong, still need as though it is present. I think you’re in a similar exploration at the moment. I’m shaping a ritual combining an energy park and a hand mirror so I can go year by year and answer the question hovering over those girls – giving them what I know now to close the loops within me. It sounds like you’re digging in and finding those layers, too. What one thing does your younger self need to hear and understand?
7 Henofer // Oct 18, 2009 at 1:30 am
SC. We have room and time AND an outdoor fireplace. You, are always welcome.
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