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they don’t make feelings like they used to

November 5th, 2009 · 6 Comments

One thing that the Wellbutrin seems to have done is take away my ability to cry. It’s actually really frustrating, because the FEELING is still there, I just have no mechanism for letting it out. I can even feel the emotional welling that would signal the usual burning feeling I get before the tears flow… but no tears.

I came close today, though. I caught Noodle kitten with the pantry door, and she cried out… and I was so afraid that I’d hurt her, I started shaking. But no tears.

She’s fine, by the way. I think I scared her more than anything. She has a bad habit of jumping, as quick as can be, into any open cabinet, the fridge, a closet, the dryer. I live in fear of her trying that with the oven. She’s small and SO fast!

In better news, it seems that the reissue of my beloved Undone by The Lucy Show is now out. Finally, some people realized how good they were – especially THAT album. The title of this post is from “The White Space” but there isn’t a video for that, so I’ll give you a more well-known song, “A Million Things.”

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Tags: daily update · depression treatment · music

6 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Wende // Nov 5, 2009 at 12:16 am

    There is something about the middle, right? Because crying too much isn’t fun either. I hope you figure it out. And Whew on the kitty! :D

  • 2 Erin // Nov 5, 2009 at 12:47 am

    Oh man – sometimes you just need to cry though, so I can only imagine. I’m the same way with animals… okay, to be honest, I am the same way with everything.

    If I drop my nephews stuffed animals the wrong way I cry. It’s kind of annoying. It’s a freakin’ stuffed toy! But cry I do.

    Glad Noodle kitten is okay!

  • 3 Maya // Nov 5, 2009 at 8:47 am

    I was driving back from my doctor visit yesterday evening when I got all emotional listening to VNV Nation. The same thought came to mind, why don’t I cry like I used to? I had to really concentrate on the feeling in order to get a couple of tears out.

    I have gone through phases in my life where I could not cry. It is truly an odd experience.

    Noodle Noodle Noodle. I am glad she is ok. I know the feeling. If I step on a dog paw my heart sinks.

  • 4 MonkeySis // Nov 5, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Getting past depression is like that. You’re so used to crying over almost everything that you don’t know what to do when you don’t cry. I think when you really need to cry, you’ll be able to. This was just not one of those times.

  • 5 Katrina // Nov 13, 2009 at 12:35 am

    Dearest Chris,

    I am sorry that you are feeling blue. I definitely empathize. I’ve been back in therapy for about a year now and just started back on meds about a month ago. So far, everything has been much improved because of the medication. However, one of my super frustrations with previous attempts at meds was a feeling of apathy about things. I felt like all emotion had been taken away. Granted, I didn’t cry at the drop of a pin anymore, but I never really felt superhappy either. When I was blue, I just felt…well…blah.

    Anyway, stick with it. I know it’s super-frustrating, but they may be able to find the right combination for you. This is now the fourth attempt I’ve made (and I really did make a serious attempt at all the others), and so far, so good. Now I just have to stick with it…

    Love,

    Katrina

  • 6 David // Dec 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Hey Chris,

    I know exactly how you feel. I wasn’t able to cry for quite awhile after starting Wellbutrin, and I worried, like Katrina, about the fact that I thought I was largely apathetic.

    Like Katrina has said, I too think you should do your best and stick with it. It turns out that I’ve gone back to the other extreme and cry at the drop of a pin now. I’ve been particularly emotional the last couple of years, and intensely so the last few months.

    So, I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and in fact I’ve had the exact same experience, also being manic depressive and on Wellbutrin.

    I’m on Lamictal too. I believe you know that. So, I imagine that was affecting my ability to cry as well.

    Now that I’m crying again and can’t control it though, I don’t like it. Sure, I’m glad my emotions are coming out, but when they come out at inappropriate or random times, it’s not good for me either.

    I’m proud of you for going in and talking to someone. I’m going to find a therapist myself in the next week or so and start therapy again.

    *Huge hugs* I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

    Love,
    David

    P.S. Please enter your address in my LJ poll. I’d really like to send you a Solstice card, but don’t have your address. <3

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