Before I even start to get wound up, lemme point you to Harriet Jacobs’ excellent dissection of why rape jokes aren’t funny, you jerk: A woman walks into a rape, uh bar.*
As far as I can tell, the “joke” is usually that it wasn’t really rape at all, or it wasn’t a “real” rape, or it was a fun rape, or it was a deserved rape. Which, seeing as how rape victims get to hear that shit, completely seriously (and with completely serious consequences) from their rapist, friends, family, and cops, you might see as how it doesn’t come off as a joke so much as it comes off as same shit, different day.
Yep, she nailed that shit. Read it. I’ll wait.
What’s in my craw tonight? Well, I started talking to a therapist on Tuesday. I get to do this once a week for a while, until we figure out how to make me stop reliving/suffering/fighting the memories. She asked me what I wanted out of therapy. I told her that I wanted two things – for the empty feeling to go away, and for some sort of closure. Carrying around this for 35 years… oh god. That’s so not the way I want to think about this, y’all. I’ve been walking wounded for THIRTY-FIVE years, since the first quiet night that this all started, with me left quivering in my bed, afraid to tell a soul.
I like the therapist. She asked good beginning questions, was appropriately affected by my story [yet still all business when she needed to be], and recognized that I’m a force to be reckoned with, strength-wise. But here’s the rub… I’m strong, yes. I made it so far without telling a soul, working on myself without any other help until recently. Yet coming home from the session, I wanted to cry. I don’t even know why. I guess it’s like picking at a scab over and over and over.
I hope this does what I want it to do. I’m tired of the scars.
*She takes her username from the slave Harriet Jacobs, hence the Blog name “Fugitivus” – please do go check it out.
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8 responses so far ↓
1 Tweets that mention if you close the door, the night could last forever -- Topsy.com // Jan 21, 2010 at 3:48 am
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Christiane White, Arwyn. Arwyn said: RT @xiane_org New blog post: if you close the door, the night could last forever http://bit.ly/8W4VvL [...]
2 Maya // Jan 21, 2010 at 4:00 am
*hugs*
So sorry to hear you’ve held on to this burden for so long. I can only hope that the therapy starts you on the road to recovery that you need.
*hugs*
3 Matt // Jan 21, 2010 at 5:16 am
It sounds like you’ve had to be strong for a very long time. May you find some peace of mind on this new path, and good luck to you.
4 Dances With Cats // Jan 21, 2010 at 7:59 am
I read the Fugitives blog post and you’re right–it hit the nail on the head about exactly why rape jokes are Not Funny. I can apply this to a lot of other situations I’ve experienced–the denial and minimization and victim-blaming done around domestic violence (my mother is a survivor of DV, and hence I was a witness); the “reverse prejudice” “against whites” crap I hear all over the right-wing media, etc.
For what it’s worth, I also understand the feelings you’re dealing with in counseling. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse and, as I said above, a witness to domestic violence, and I relate so much to your experience of trying so hard to deal with it by yourself … the feelings, the whole works. I guess what I’m saying is if you need a fellow survivor to bounce things off of (or maybe even the knowledge that someone who understands is around), I’m here.
5 Jocelyn // Jan 21, 2010 at 9:41 am
I love you. I hope the therapy helps with closure.
6 Maya // Jan 21, 2010 at 9:56 am
You are moving in the right direction. I want this to work for you too. *HUGS*
7 Keith (Mindless Pursuits) // Jan 22, 2010 at 2:59 am
Rape jokes aren’t funny at all. I don’t understand why anyone would think they are.
I really hope the therapy works to help you.
*hugs*
8 Angelique // Jan 28, 2010 at 11:48 am
When you said you’d wait, I’m guessing you didn’t think it would take me six days to get back to Harriet’s blog and then back here…yeesh.
I think it’s great that you’re taking this step. I can’t imagine trying to process and heal this on your own, but you’re a brave and strong soul–who is also brave enough to ask for help.
I don’t know what, if any, other experience you have with counseling, but please note that sometimes someone’s first counselor is not the right fit–sometimes people have to go through 3 or 5 or whatever to find the person who matches them, their style, their goals. This is normal and okay.
Best wishes to you, m’dear. {{}}s
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