because the break, the break, the break

that video has NSFW lyrics. Just sayin’.

So yeah, hi. What’s been going on, Xiane, you might ask – and the truth is, everything and nothing.

My life, let me show it to you.

After working so hard to get this blog back up and running, I ran out of words. And that lack has extended to energy, drive, and wakefulness, let me tell you. What have I had in excess? Oh, frustration and anger, hence the video above, which sums up pretty much exactly how I’ve been feeling. Rrrrarrr doesn’t even come close. I’ve been working hard to come up with useful and positive remedies to this state, with the help of Therapist Kim, and it’s been moderately successful… but it keeps coming back. *raaaage! stomp around like godzilla!*

What’s been keeping it from going away altogther has been a series of small yet supremely frustrating setbacks that are scattered over all aspects of my life. Planned to go see Faith and the Muse, my first time out in a big crowd and at a show in ages – something that’s been a hallmark of this tendency to lock myself away in hermitage…. show cancelled. Decided to go see the Goats, as that always cheers me up… not only were the Goats not there, but there’s a house flying three brand new KKK-related flags, high and proud, in their front yard. Never have I wished more for front-mounted cannons.

My drum carder ate my favourite shirt.
And my poor, long-suffering husband accidentally broke my favourite handmade mug.

All little things [except for those fascist bastards who I’d like to kick hard], but they add up, especially when I’m in crazy-brain mode. And my friends, the crazy has been strong lately. I’m hoping that I won’t have to up my meds, but if I can’t figure out something, that might be the result of all this. I have been back to taking iron supplements regularly, and I’m hoping that I’ll find at least a little motivation to start getting some exercise, which I know will help.

In GOOD news – it looks like Rob and I will definitely be taking over my lovely MiL’s house when she moves to Norfolk. This is a glimmer of hope, like the light at the end of a tunnel that I know isn’t from a train. [yay!]
The house is a three bedroom, two and one half bath end unit in a new development in Belmont/Mt Holly. The living room has soaring ceilings, there’s a garden tub in the main bedroom, and with two extra bedrooms, we could have a fiber/workroom for me and an office for Rob, too. The office space will probably also serve as a guest room, without taking up space from Rob at all. [everyone needs a nap space in their office!]
As extra perks, there’s a really nice pool, a YMCA right down the walking trail, and plenty of places to ride my bike or take a walk. Oh, and it’s right near the Catawba river. If you know me, you know what living near moving water means to me, so this is wonderful.
It will be a tight squeeze for our finances, but if I can get my biz ramped up, that money can help us with the small things that make life bearable, like the occasional coffee or pastries out.

So see, I *can* write about positive things! It’s just a matter of getting out the heavier stuff, you know. And I do have some deep thinking, triggery words brewing as a post, but right now they’re just in the back of my mind in a big jumble. I’ll try and get some of those up and readable soon.

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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