I am not here for you.
I can do many things for you. I can help you up, help you out, give you a hand.
I can listen, I can advise.
I can hold your hand, rub your back, cut your hair, lift you up.
I can give you a ride if you need it.
I can sit by your side in support at the doctor’s office or lawyer’s office or police station.
I can compliment you if you need it. I can criticize you if you need that.
I can love you.
But I am not here FOR you. I am here for me.
I am here to fulfill my destiny, whatever that may be.
I am here to dance under the moonlight and take hikes in the rain.
I am here to laugh and cry and dream and work and sleep.
I am here to do the things that I am able and willing to do, and I’m aware that these things aren’t always mutual.
I am here to live. I am here to love. And I will do these things in the way that is right for ME.
What about you? Will you do the same?
I attended a teleclass tonight. That’s the sort of thing I’ve been doing a lot of lately, because I’ve discovered a distressing fact: I’m regressing.
What do I mean by regressing? Well, let’s put it this way. When I was a teen, I was a hot-mess-mix of self-assured/headstrong/brave and submissive/wanting to please/afraid. I spent my time waffling between wanting to take on every thing the world had to offer and being afraid of hurting those who loved me and had certain ideas and expectations about how I was supposed to live.
When I met Rob L, things suddenly came into focus for me, with his help and belief in me. I realized that I spent too much time trying to please others, while all the while I was betraying myself. He woke me up and showed me that even if *he* wasn’t there to believe in me, I should believe in myself, because I am powerful and smart.
And then we broke up… and those lessons slowly wore off. I was hurting, and scared, and I had a ton of baggage from the abuse and alienation in my childhood. I let these things take over. I let myself believe that I wasn’t worth anything. My depression whispered in my brain:
“You are nothing. You will never be enough. You will never be happy.”
I’ve talked about this fall from grace before. I went to live in Ocean City, drank and drugged too much, came close to killing myself several times. Came home completely demoralized, fell into a relationship with Angry Rob that lasted much too long and worked very hard to destroy the rest of me. After that, more relationships with men who cheated, didn’t value me as they should have – as I should have demanded that my lovers value me.
And then I got therapy and meds, and slowly I’ve been stitching myself back together. And Rob L and I re-found each other, two broken people who both forgot what he had taught me… and now we’re working on learning how to love with an open heart once again.
The teleclass, A Girl’s Guide To Falling In Love With Your Life, was hosted by Jo Anna Rothman, who heads the marvelous Receiving Project. I suspect that although she addressed it to “girls” – anyone could benefit. I know that I did.
She wanted to know this: What am I willing to let go of so that I can really fall in love with my life?
I’m releasing my guilt. I can only be me. I can be nothing else.
I’m letting go of my anger. It’s not your fault if you want me to be something else. That’s what you were taught, too. I think you’re good enough. Can you let me be good enough, too? If you can’t, it’s okay, because I know this:
I am good enough for ME.
And if I have to keep telling myself over and over until I go beyond just believing it and have it in my bones and my brain and my soul, that’s okay, too.
It’s all okay.