…Freedom has no bounds.
I surround myself with people because I feel alone.
Nevertheless, I am always alone, inside my head.
I have *always* felt alone.
I grew up as an only child, as you might know from previous discussions. I was also awkward and geeky and had a too-big vocabulary with no understanding of when not to use it. That made me a pretty lonely kid. It wasn’t until high school that I finally “got it” as far as socialization goes, and I made some other friends – folks, for the most part, like me in various ways.
I went from there to the Hardcore Punk scene of mid-eighties Baltimore, where I found both kindred souls and a lack of judgement when I did not necessarily mesh with some of the internal groups. No wonder that I felt that I’d found home. No one cared if I was wordy or read – many punk bands were heavily influenced by literature or politics or alternative lifestyles or spiritual practices. [see the Philly band referenced, Ruin]
Still… no matter how hard I tried, I was always alone in the end. People go home, they go to sleep, they move on, they grow up, they die. All these things. And these are normal things, and they happen to us all – both the events and the being alone. But it ate at me. It still eats at me.
I submerged myself into bad, abusive relationships to fill that hollowness. I held onto “friends” that I should have let move on. I tried everything I could to keep loneliness from gnawing away at my insides. I didn’t realize that my inability to deal with the feelings is directly related to my depression, and one enhances the other. Once I groked that piece of info, I understood the hole inside – although that didn’t hasten in any way my ability to get rid of that feeling.
Juxtaposed our solitude
formed into community
always seek out others
because you fear to be alone
Of course, of course I love you
won’t you take me from myself?
Society and boundaries
are products of our weakness
Take away the structures
and the boundlessness remains
Freedom has no bounds*
We have no reason to need each other. We have every reason in the world to need each other.
What I’ve done to help fill this void is become VERY good at befriending people – good people, interesting people, creative people, fun people. Not perfect people, of course, but perfect for different aspects of my life. The Internet really helped with this; first chatrooms, then IRC – now Twitter and Facebook and Livejournal, various communities… and it’s moved into meatspace, with craft shows and Convergences and Pagan Pride Day and many other events.
I treasure every one of my friends, even if we’ve not met face-to-face.
But here’s what’s important: despite the fact that my emptiness will probably ALWAYS remain, simply because it is a product of my depression… I am whole in myself. I ache for others to be around me, and I am often lonely even when they are there, but I have learned to like myself and appreciate my own company. I am the most free when I am alone.
But if I feel that I am always alone, then I am always free.
*lyrics from “Freedom Has No Bounds” by Ruin