I don’t mind if you forget me

Morrissey ALWAYS has the right words for any situation.

So now you send me your hardened ‘regards’
When once you’d send me ‘Love’
Sincerely I must tell you
Your mild ‘best wishes’
They make me suspicious

It’s been a year. One year – actually a bit more than a year, but a year in living apart – of rebuilding a life, and waiting out the time until I can legally break the ties that bind.

This was a huge thing for me. I waited until I was 39 to get married. There was a promise there that had been given, something that was supposed to go well beyond what all the others had been willing to give me. Promises turn to lies. Vows turn to betrayal. It isn’t supposed to be this way. Almost every man I’ve cared about has betrayed me. It isn’t supposed to be this way.

You can only be strong for so long
It may not eat you but it will beat you
So this is why I tell you
I really don’t understand
This time

I’m pretty sure I have a handle on why people are unfaithful. I know there are a variety of reasons, and I’ve encountered a couple of variants in my dating life. It’s a HUGE reason why I waited so long to make the biggest commitment – too many times betrayed… Even though it’s the commitment I longed for more than anything. I wanted security, safety, something I could count on. But words mean nothing without action to support them. And vows are useless if one does not uphold them.

Divorce! Hey, who needs furniture anyway? When I made the decision to leave, it was not an easy one. Ironically, it was the same motivator as the previous relationship that made me decide to leave – an ongoing ability to regain trust in my partner, after being betrayed. I am nothing if not stupidly faithful, and I tried – oh, I tried! – to believe in my partners; it’s all I wanted, to be able to trust again, to feel good about showering them with my unbridled loving.

At 45 years of age, I’m still scarred and scared. I try my best to create my own happiness, but there is a part of me that will always be looking for that love that comes from outside myself. I know it and recognize it and acknowledge that because of this, there will always be the threat of being hurt and betrayed.

However…

I refuse to let the mistakes and indiscretions of others rule my life. I reject the idea that I should just give up on love because we’re all flawed – because we can help to patch, mend, and fill in the cracks and flaws on each other, and I don’t want to lose that. I won’t hide my big heart away just because love is too often taken for granted. These things will not break me. They have not and they will not.

And I don’t mind if you forget me – because if you do, you’re not for me, and I’m not for you.

[funny aside – I did indeed lose most of my furniture in the break-up. However, this was a GOOD thing, which is why I was so amused by the illustration!]

I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.

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