I am struggling right now.
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong look
With the wrong moon, every wrong night
With the wrong tune playing till it sounded right
I don’t expect it to rear up in the Summertime.
I don’t expect the dead feeling. Or the pain. Or the confusion at feeling these ways.
You know what sucks? Running a business that you depend on to pay your bills when you feel like this. Also, it sucks to know that I’m being a terrible friend and peer while it’s going on, because it’s so hard to follow through with anything. I have no motivation, no oomph, no drive, no desire for much of anything but trying to feel better.
I counted it as a great victory that I managed to get up and walk around the block tonight. I did have a strong drive to go do that, and I walked at a fast pace up the hill and through the dusky evening, looking at all the houses that I usually see from the car as I pass by. That felt good. But it was met by a rousing chorus of ennui when I came back in.
Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
That’s the ride I’m on right now. Sometimes, everything’s fine. Sometimes, everything’s GREAT. But the crash is inevitable, usually made worse the higher the high is. And if someone offers advice about the crash, that makes it worse. Or if people make a big fuss about it. Or if I think about it too much at all. But I can’t ignore it, that’ll make it worse, too.
Really, you can’t win when you’re in the grip of this.
Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
I have some A M A Z I N G things happening in my life right now. That has NOTHING to do with why I feel this way. Nothing is really wrong. I mean, money’s tight, like it always is at this time of year in the Fiber Arts world. There’s some stressful stuff, in that way that I have to be clever and patient until I figure it out or get through it. But nothing catastrophic, nothing terrible. I’m okay. Just not inside my head, and not inside my soul. Those parts are all fucked up right now. And I just have to ride it out. I have to get through this too, and it’s all about patience and not a bit will cleverness help.
Trust me, I am so, so tired of having to be patient.
So no, nothing tragic happening here. No horrible thing, nothing so drastic that people should worry. Just me struggling with my brain chemistry and feeling guilty because it makes me so much less the person I like to be. I feel like I let all of YOU down when I’m like this, which of course makes me feel so much worse. I hate to let anyone down. I hate to not feel dependable. And admitting all this is really hard, but of course this is something I’m known for now, my blistering self-revealing honesty. There you go, you get it all, in the name of letting other people who feel this way that they’re not alone. Go me, I guess I do something right. I hope.
Yep. That’s my thought process right now in a nutshell. The girl who doesn’t care what others think, the girl who is fearless, the girl who dares… she’s on vacation right now.
- If you’re sensitive to things like crashing cars and accidents and stuff, don’t watch this video.