Epistles: This is the place where I share some of my recent words and insights, my late-night scribbles and secret confessions. Many of these bits were taken from my journals, both online and paper. Some may end up contained in other writings.
October 31st, 2005.why I hide.
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
I’ve always been poorly socialized. Many of you have heard this story from me before. A lot of you share similar backgrounds. I was the social outcast until my junior year of high school. I was awkward, brainy, bookish and wordy. I’d been raised around adults so I spoke like one. It was off-putting for my peers. I was loudly touted by my teachers as being smart, studious [which I wasn’t at all, I was just a VERY advanced reader – it’s easy to look studious when you read about EVERYTHING.]
A huge part of my struggle, socially, is to learn to feel comfortable in a group. I get “talked-over” a lot, because I tend to take my time when presenting ideas. That makes me end up holding my tongue a lot, because there’s nothing more frustrating than trying to share a thought and being barreled over by a much more fluid speaker/thinker. Anyone who has talked to me one-on-one knows I’m not an inept conversationalist… I just tend to think deep and take my time when talking within a group.
Running The Dawning assisted my social skills greatly; I HAD to learn to converse with strangers, facilitate events, and mediate during arguments and discussions. It was really good for me.
Here, I have less social infrastructure to fall back on. It causes that awkwardness to resurface. I’m trying hard to combat it, and I’m sorry if I fail from time to time.
I feel like a weeble, heh. An apologetic weeble!
I hide a lot. I’m afraid of being taken advantage of by some people, and afraid of being hurt by others. I’m afraid that it’ll end up being my fault, too, because I said the wrong thing or trusted the wrong person. When I let someone in, REALLY in, I let them in all the way. That’s a vulnerable place to be. I try to be moderate, but it isn’t easy.
When I say that I’m five, I’m not joking, you know. I might have the best vocabulary of any five year old out there, but my heart is just that open and the feeling are just that raw and untamed.
What would I send to the fire tonight? My indecision. My lack of self-confidence. My inability to separate Friend from Acquaintance. My tongue-tiedness.
What do I wish for you all? Peace. Happiness. Unending kindness. Love.
April 2nd, 2004.
Almost six am.
The sun is creeping out from the horizon, peering through the coverlet of clouds.
The street, still damp from last night’s rain, matches the colour of the skies rather well. The soft green of the trees accentuates in lovely fashion, making me long for Spring to come ever closer to us.
I should be asleep. I am, instead, treasuring the feel of piling word upon word, creating an image from text that will paint pictures in my head long after the events have transipred.
I’ve neglected writing for much too long.
April 1st, 2004.If it’s raining, it must be April.
Surfaces lie. They can appear as smooth as glass, as solid as ice… yet step upon them, and you might sink down to the depths without a trace. These are the chances one takes when venturing out into the wide world. This is what one risks when making a move from the small square of safety that surrounds us.
Never, ever accept that what you see before you is the absolute truth. There is always the hidden lie, the secret that twists the reality into something less familiar. That is the way of the world. There’s no ingenuity in this, no malice – that’s just how it is. Don’t except yourself from the equasion, because ALL of us have our hidden parts that would change the concept that others have of us, if only they knew.
I still have my childlike outlook on the world. Never fear. It’s just that sometimes, the world intrudes with a small smack, to remind me that everything’s not as happy-go-lucky as I might like.
January 23rd, 2002.[ how could you dare to become so close so real when you’re just a ghost of me]
Foolish me/I thought I could take it/I thought I could handle the implications/I was wrong/I overestimated myself/I didn’t mean to end up this way/Now that I’m here – what do I do?
Simply put/I am trapped in confusion/I have muddled the issue/I should never have touched it/I don’t want to feel this way/Yet at the same time – I do.
What do you do when your head plays mind games with yourself?
Do you ignore the signs? Do you speak your mind? Do you risk the status quo, or do you stay where it is safe and familiar?
October 15th, 2003.
You’re not starving,
you’re not alone.
There is nothing wrong with you,
Let it go, just be.
Stop reaching out so desperately,
and what you desire might just fall in your lap
April 17th, 2004.core dump.
There’s a longing in me tonight.
I can travel back over the past and learn much about the circumstances of the present – but the past has done it’s job, left it’s marks and moved on, and no one can predict what the future holds. I’m fairly shrewd at making guesses, following instincts, but this is all uncharted territory, and remains so every day.
We are shaped by our actions of the past. But should we be judged by them, once that moment has moved on? People can be stagnant or thriving and growing beings… I would much rather hope for the changes that signal growth than dwell on mistakes that put one on the road to change.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes and misjudgements. I know that of course I made some today. I definitely made a serious one a few days ago, and it has been dwelling on my mind, despite my resolve to not let it do so. I stand by what I feel and think, but I am leaving it at this for now; and things will fall as they may. If all my days are happy in-between this moment and when things become as they will be, I will count a victory, and I will consider myself to be a very lucky woman. I can be patient, and I am certainly happy.
[ something of my head ]
It’s in my nature to try and grasp the “closest to absolute truth” of things. I want to understand, and to grasp it fully, I will wrap my mind around the problem I wrestle with until I get resolution in my head. That means I often come back to the same issues over and over, re-mulling them until I’ve got the best conclusion I can find. This can be terribly annoying to people who care about me, so I usually keep it private. If you find yourself frustrated by this insight into my thought processes, let me know. The last thing I want to do is frustrate anyone in my search for understanding.
I’m a very torn girl – between an innocent and trusting soul, and someone who has been hurt the same way by people I’ve cared about, many times in a row. I try very hard to err on the side of trusting, but sometimes – especially lately – my scared side has ruled, and for that I’m sorry. I do credit that side for trying to keep me out of trouble – it’s just self-preservation kicking in.
June 1st, 2004.because of you.
I sat there for a while, after we hung up the phone, sprawled out in the dark and the deck, under the great sloe tree that canopies over it. I listened to the night birds singing, and the occasional wet plop of a fat raindrop as it hit the ground below, or the leaves above. I could hear the soft noises of insects around me, and the furtive movements of small animals in the trees. A breeze would spring up from time to time and stir my hair, like the tiniest caresses. I felt at total peace with everything, in that moment.
When I finally rose to venture back in, I felt like I’d been given a gift.
March 17th, 2004.what have I found?
Something precious, something treasured… in the palm of my hand I shall warm it, keep it alive with breath and heat and love. I share this with you, a silvery shimmer that fills hearts with song, lightens our step on the rockiest of roads.
A thousand words and thoughts conveyed with every touch… a fingertip might express a whispered secret… I shiver slightly and you read my trembling loud and clear; a plea to go on, spill your soul to me through tactile demonstration…
February 1st, 2003.
I look up to the skies. I dream of what lies beyond.
It’s the dream, you know. That’s what makes it hurt more than the roll call of loss that comes in every day from every part of the world.
We can look up to the skies and sense the mystery, the beauty, the unanswered questions that still lie before us… and those who dare, those brave astronauts who leave the safety of home and risk so much in an environment so hostile yet alluring to humans… we can only hold them high in admiration. They dared what we would not. Yes, they lost their lives today… but they saw things that they had only dreamed of before. I admire their dedication to a dream. I mourn their loss.
June 10, 2011.hold it back.
hold it back from you
that’s what my mind says
hide it away
make you miss what I am
and what I have for you
hold it back from you
leave you wanting more
keep it inside
because you don’t know what
it’s like to do without me
and when you reach for me
you’ll find a space
where the one who loves you
used to be
when you reach for me
there’s no one there
just a memory
just empty air
hold it back from you
until you understand
where I am
I’ll leave you wanting
I’ll leave you wanting
July 6th, 2004.
open hands held to the sky
waiting, we are waiting
praying for one drop of rain
absolution from the sky
like the trees that stand so patiently
weathering every year
they accept each day’s gifts
must we lift our hands up higher?
should we close our eyes?
if we stand the test of time
will we find our prize?
see us wait here, we are waiting
praying for the rain
send us now our absolution
so we may start again
just one droplet from the sky…