when the rooftops shone dark all alone saw a spark

2015-12-26 14.23.43



“Smart impresses me, strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.”
-Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies


Lately, I’ve been letting go of things that went before. At the river, I cast them off, to tumble downstream and away to new adventures, new people, new lives. New, without me, because I can’t move ahead carrying those things either. I felt a lightness spread across me as they slipped away, a warmth that didn’t fit the weather of that early December afternoon.

I am looking to new, beautiful things to fill my heart and life. It’s a joyful process.


Symbolically releasing those weights – the people, the events, the outgrown dreams and ideas – is therapeutic. Going to nature to do it gives me a beautiful moment immediately with which to start the process of filling those empty places.

I am rebuilding the girl into something stronger. Better. Happier.

Every day.


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Feels like something that I’ve done before…

I could fake it, but I still want more…

2016 word


The Word of the Year tradition is one that I haven’t really done before – I’ve always appreciated the idea, and thought about it, but I had my own ways of ushering in changes… but you know what? New year, new directions, and new traditions all go hand in hand, so I’m on the bandwagon.

Fulfilled is the word that I chose, after much deep thought on the subject and the direction I wanted.

I’ve spent a lot of time investing in other people, in helping them find their happiness. This year, I hope to move forward in finding some of my own, as well.

Not that it’s been unhappy across the board, but 2015 was pretty crap. That stopped as of last night.

Fulfillment lies ahead.



[lyrics: Massive Attack, Dissolved Girl]

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All those winter words, I want us to forget them

nerves of terra wm


Today is my 49th birthday.

I don’t feel like I should be having birthday #49.

I feel much younger; the years don’t feel like they’re piled that high. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the changes and the knowledge and the trials and the love and the pain and the laughter. All those things have contributed to what I’ve learned and the new paths I’m taking.

Life is scary, and hard.

Life is exhilarating, and beautiful.

Every treasured face that has stayed on my road with me, and every new face that I’m still learning… thank you for being here. Thank you to those who have moved on, you taught me so much.

See, that’s the biggest gift that birthdays bring: lessons. A way to mark what you’ve learned, how you’ve grown over time. People sometimes ask me if I got what I wanted for my birthday, and the answer is always. I always get exactly what I wanted, as long as I’m not afraid to look deeply within to find that gift inside me.

2015 was very, very tough. But even now, in the depths of winter [even though winter this year so far is more like spring, where I am!] there is the promise of what will come… the chance to bloom.




*if you ever saw my band The Violet Dawning perform, you might have seen me sing this, a capella, perhaps as an encore. It is a song that has meant the world to me for so, so many years. I hope it speaks to you.

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And I was told that your eyes would shine a light up into space




You know nothing, you know nothing at all
How could you know, you’ll never know anything at all

SWANS – You Know Nothing


You had a chance to know me. I stand here, open hearted and ready to be by your side in every part of life, if only you wanted it.


You became a ghost.

You chose another who will never choose you.

You got scared and ran away.

You dismissed me because I don’t fit a preconceived mold of what you think you want.

You just weren’t paying attention.

You took me for granted, because you thought I’d always be there.




I am bigger than that. You cannot break me. You cannot extinguish the light in my eyes, the small light in the darkness that is me, just because you were too blind to see it. You have nothing in your hands that you can offer me, because you missed what was right in front of you.

And I will keep moving forward until I find those who DO see me, and I will be happy. May you find happiness as well, even as you move away from the galaxy in which I reside.

Soon I’ll see your light like a pinprick in the sky, like the other stars that I see when I look up at night. I’ll wave at you as you pass overhead.

Hello, star that I used to know. Goodbye.


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Yet, as ivy groweth green and never changes, Even evil cannot turn us into strangers





A large part of life is taken up with the Struggle.

That’s neither good nor bad: it just is. That’s how life rolls. On the good days, everything is pretty amazing. [even when it’s just okay and everyday… I’m still pretty enthused by it all, I really am.]

On the bad days, I try really hard to not let it get to me. Even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes to the people around me, I swear I am trying.

Thing is – and this is one of the things that keeps me going – I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. I can’t say that everyone does, but I have evidence [testimonials] that tell me that I’m not alone here. And that, my friends, helps immensely. I also have people who do wonderful things like talking me through the bad times, too.

Lately, I’ve needed more support than usual. It’s been rough over here in Xiane-land, with a pile of various trials happening at once. That hardest part, honestly, has been dealing with some blows to my self-esteem, which when paired with stress and feeling down, really managed to work me over. I am so, so grateful to my friends, who tried so hard to lift me back up and encourage me to believe in myself.


Things I discovered this week: that I have spent so little time caring for myself lately that I couldn’t even name what my favorite food is. Like – I can tell you a bunch of styles of things that I like, but I couldn’t name a single dish.

I need to invest in myself more.

I need to speak up [out] more.

I need to say no. And yes. When appropriate. With gusto.

And I need to insist that people who want the good parts of me give me access to their good parts, too. Because all too often I give more than I’m given in return, and it’s not right nor fair. I deserve better, and that’s only going to change if I put my foot down. Because I can’t trust people who get those things and aren’t reciprocating to respect the idea of giving from the heart.


And I have a LOT of heart. The right people should be getting access. [and giving it too]


green growing




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us angels aren’t afraid of water – are we?



Despite the fact that I’ve written an overwhelming amount of posts that weren’t the most positive in recent history…

And despite the fact that a lot of really difficult things have been happening in my life lately…

Despite the fact that I’ve had to make some tough choices that left everyone hurting after the fact, including me…


Life is still good.

It has to be. I’m alive in it. That’s a big thing. I’m actively working to improve myself and reshape my life to be more in line with what I think I need and want, and what will be best for me. That will help me be the best that I can to everyone who is connected with me, and to me as well.

I’ve got some excellent people surrounding me. I’ve met some new people who make me feel creative and excited to be alive. I’ve even recently met a person or two who I ended up not meshing with, and that helped me come to terms with a few things about my personality that I’m glad that I addressed.

Self-examination is important. Looking at myself with clear and honest eyes helps me improve every aspect of my life. And remembering that every tough spot is just one part of the journey helps me keep my focus both in the here and now, and with an eye for planning effectively for the future.


not deep writing, really, but this is honest stuff. and you’re reading it for free, so you get what you pay for  😉



2015-05-28 15.35.09
There’s adventure ahead.


Blog title: quote from Premonition 16, Legendary Pink Dots

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of middle stature and no great beauty


You told me
that I am beautiful.
I could see it in your eyes –
you meant every word.

I smiled and thanked you,
and my gratitude was sincere

but my belief is lacking.

I believe that you seem to think I am,
but what I see in myself is a different thing
a milder term…
smaller. Not so bold
so grand
so eye-catching and spectacular
and unbelievably complimentary.

I’m merely the girl who couldn’t grow up
the one with the boyish hair
the awkward stance
the personality that is TOO MUCH,
the body that is overly curvaceous
and the voice that is alternatively too bold
and too meek.

I wish I saw what you saw in that moment.
I only have you as my mirror.


not beautiful pic

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And it rolls – And it goes – I see lovers – I see losers


the growth, the spread of branches
of sights, of wings

you always know
you always know when
you always know when to
reach out

a wish, the seed of changing
of starts, of transition

I always knew
I always knew that
I always knew that it
would end


[blog post title comes from Ooh la la la, TC Matic]

dream tree

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Es geht kein Weg zurück

Pay attention to the people who are around you
pay attention in the here and now
to those who are listening and loving you
and trying to reach you and holding you up
and feeling so sad
feeling like they never mattered
because you don’t see them anymore

It’s right in front of you
but you can’t seem to see it
focused on what was lost instead
of what you kept at hand
it is over
it is never ever finished
still you don’t see them anymore

you can’t see me anymore



something more



What we let slip through our fingers. What we ignore, absorbed in our own little dramas. What we neglect in favor of what’s comfortable and easy. What we forget, in favor of a beautiful lie. What we will regret, once we let the moment fade in our eagerness to grasp something that has already passed.


Ach, und könnte ich doch
Nur ein einziges Mal
Die Uhren rückwärts drehen.
Denn wie viel von dem,
Was ich heute weiß,
Hätte ich lieber nie gesehen.*


Look up. Look out. Look beyond.

See what should be seen.


  • Lyrics from Kein Zurück, Wolfsheim.


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