I’ve been sleeping in totally weird bursts of time. It makes me feel disjointed.

Mostly, I’ve been in a self-imposed social blackout, for regrouping and mental health reasons. I’m shuffling back into regular rotation now, never fear.

And one quick hit –

From this amazingly accurate post on Depression and what it does:

Chronic depression is a cancer of the personality. It eats your personality and replaces you with itself; the more you experience intense depression in others, the more you realize that The Depressed Person is always some variant of the same personality; whereas healthy people are infinitely diverse, The Depressed Person is always recognizable. Depression is insidious, so that your loved ones may not realize that you are being slowly erased and replaced by something that is not you.

I recommend reading the whole post, from http://ewin.livejournal.com/1332469.html.

Sometimes.

Things will be changing.

When I used to get angry [from stress, usually] at work, I would go somewhere away from everyone else and find something harmless to kick, like empty boxes. If there wasn’t anything like an empty box available, sometimes I’d just jump up and down while channeling that anger, until I felt relieved.

Right now, I want to punch things. I’m in a situation where I can’t express what I’m feeling, and I can’t talk about it to anyone, and it makes me angry beyond belief. I’m tired, y’all. I get so tired of caring only to have that taken advantage of, or abused. It isn’t IN me to stop caring, unfortunately, so I’m stuck with feeling this way.

What do *you* do to relieve anger that can’t be dismissed by talking it out?

As far as I can tell, the “joke” is usually that it wasn’t really rape at all, or it wasn’t a “real” rape, or it was a fun rape, or it was a deserved rape. Which, seeing as how rape victims get to hear that shit, completely seriously (and with completely serious consequences) from their rapist, friends, family, and cops, you might see as how it doesn’t come off as a joke so much as it comes off as same shit, different day.

Yep, she nailed that shit. Read it. I’ll wait.

What’s in my craw tonight? Well, I started talking to a therapist on Tuesday. I get to do this once a week for a while, until we figure out how to make me stop reliving/suffering/fighting the memories. She asked me what I wanted out of therapy. I told her that I wanted two things – for the empty feeling to go away, and for some sort of closure. Carrying around this for 35 years… oh god. That’s so not the way I want to think about this, y’all. I’ve been walking wounded for THIRTY-FIVE years, since the first quiet night that this all started, with me left quivering in my bed, afraid to tell a soul.

I like the therapist. She asked good beginning questions, was appropriately affected by my story [yet still all business when she needed to be], and recognized that I’m a force to be reckoned with, strength-wise. But here’s the rub… I’m strong, yes. I made it so far without telling a soul, working on myself without any other help until recently. Yet coming home from the session, I wanted to cry. I don’t even know why. I guess it’s like picking at a scab over and over and over.

I hope this does what I want it to do. I’m tired of the scars.

*She takes her username from the slave Harriet Jacobs, hence the Blog name “Fugitivus” – please do go check it out.

I don’t have a good track record with exercises that require me to do something every day. I was amazed by how well I did with The Artist’s Way Morning Pages, but the 365 Photos project… fail. Big ol’ FAIL. Poop.

More sleep = more energy. Now if you’ve known me for any amount of time, you know that I have insomnia. I struggle with it, and I’ve tried really hard to not use sleeping pills to control the issue, even though I have Ambien here if I want it.
I slept for 14 hours last night. Today, I’ve been running around on FIRE getting things done. Amazing.

Can’t sell stuff if you don’t list it. That’s a duh statement, right? But somehow I know it but don’t follow through.

In GOOD news… tomorrow is my and Rob’s 4th anniversary. I managed to get out and buy groceries, so there’s food in the house. My sense of taste is slowly coming back. I’m almost done with my first knitting project in the long queue of “Things What I’m Knitting For Other People.” My sinus infection is GONE and I feel a million times better. I’ve been feeling really creative lately. My kitties love me. *grin*

Yes yes yes. Stressing the positive here, y’all.

So I decided to try doing the 365 challenge again – a photo a day for a whole year. Sometimes it’ll be me, sometimes something I’m seeing or doing.
Today’s shot is all about my sinus infection for the New Year and the swelly-poof face it has delivered. My face here is mostly un-made-up, and you can somewhat see that I’m flushed, too. I checked to see if I have a fever, but I don’t. I’m just flushed. Pink fat face FTW!

If there’s something you’d like to see me show off in my 365 Project, comment and let me know! I’ll take suggestions and inspiration happily.

2009, you are *so* fired. 2010, we’re looking at you to up the ante and make this year the best ever.

Obviously, I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. I mean, c’mon – no updates since THANKSGIVING? I’ll take my lashes, y’all. I deserve ‘em.

Part of why I’ve failed at updates is that the end part of 2009 has been full of SUCK. I am not in the mood to blog suckiness, so I stayed quiet. In fact, although I want to do a 2009 round-up of events, I’m going to avoid most of the bad stuff. Things I can mention: missing Faron. Getting ill a lot. Adjusting the meds. Going to a counselor and getting the official diagnoses of depression and PTSD. Ending up the year: a massive bacterial maxillary sinus infection that’s got half my face swollen and pained. I’m on lovely antibiotics and vicodin, so I’m hoping to get rid of this crap soon. I figure that 2009 had to get its last say, but eff you, shitty decade – you are OUT OF HERE. Wooo!

Onto the GOOD:

1. My relationship with Rob is stronger than ever
2. I’m well on the way to making myself a name as a fiber artist
3. We added another amazing kitty to the household, and she’s a joy
4. I’ve been eating really well this year, and it shows
5. I’m getting back into my creative groove
6. I’ve made a lot of great new friends this year, especially yarnies!
7. I’m writing again
8. My friends and my family are wonderful and supportive
9. I’m learning how to be happy again, finally!

There are a million other things that I could add here, but these seem to be the most important to mention now. I’m infinitely grateful for my life, the opportunities that I have been given, and the people who love me and support me. I count myself amongst the luckiest people in the world, just for that alone.

As for 2010? I don’t do resolutions, but I do have some goals that I’d like to work toward – no harm, no foul if I fail. The number one thing is to keep on learning to love myself and take care of myself. I’m not getting any younger, so pampering my skin and my health are important – and dressing in ways that make me happy, rather than in whatever’s around, will be soothing to my ego and soul. I deserve this! [so do you, you know.]
Other than that? I want to try my best to let the people who I love that they are indeed loved and treasured by me. I’ve been really uneven in my maintenance of my relationships, and I know it. Trust me, it embarrasses me. I know that it’s been brought on by the depression, which makes it so much easier to just not do anything… but that’s something that I need to change. I’m offered so much love, I need to make sure that those who care know that I don’t take them for granted. I’m going to strive to do better, y’all. I promise.
Oh, and I really want to keep up with writing here. I used to be very good about updating the Livejournal, but when the shit hit the fan in my life and I went back to B’more for that year, things started to slack off, and it got nothing but worse from there. I miss updating. I miss keeping track of the days and my thought via this medium, and I miss the interaction that comments and replies give. So there you go. I’m going to try, and you can poke me as much as you like about it.

Leaving you with a song that’s been in my head lately – Sarah Fimm’s Be Like Water. Enjoy, and Happy New Year, my friends!