And she is not good or bad
Oh, but she wants all she could have
Your soul’s familiar call
This is it… I am and
It’s not like me
[Claire Voyant - not like me]

My silence is equal to my lack of passion. I am adrift in a sea of “I don’t care” and “I’m too tired” and “It doesn’t matter” – but it does matter and I do care, I’m just too tired and pained to admit it or do anything about it.

Depression is embarrassing. It’s humiliating to admit that I don’t have the drive to finish anything, that all I do seems to be sit around on my ass and think of nothing, or dream wistfully about the things I’d like to be accomplishing, if only I had the passion, the energy, the stamina, the will.

And people look at me and see a “healthy” person, which I can’t blame them for – and they wonder why I can’t just shake this off and get to doing… obviously it should be that easy. Just make yourself motivate, Xi.

It isn’t. I wish it was.

I went to NYC recently. For most of the time I was there, I was energized, more than I have been in ages. I came home full of hope, ideas, thoughts.
I know that living here takes away some of that zest for life… no sidewalks, no bustling creative energies, no ever-changing wall of humanity to observe. I barely even have friends here. And of course, I’ve been becoming more isolated again, but that’s a side effect of the depression, too, that need to cut myself off from everything. It hurts me to be open like that – physically hurts. That stupid Cymbalta commercial about depression hurting? I really wish it wasn’t true. I get an ache inside, like someone was slowly squeezing my heart and lungs. My bones ache. I feel weak and ineffective.

What’s worse is that I hate hate hate talking about it, admitting it, telling people just what’s going on and how I feel. Like I said, it’s embarrassing… and I know that so many people discount these feelings. I understand it, and I wish I didn’t sound so whiny and weak. But I guess the only other options would be to either fake that everything is fine, or stop talking again. And I am tired of not communicating. I know that hurts my friends and family, too… and there’s enough hurt going on already without that.

And you might tell me the truth
And I might be reminded of you
In everything I see and that I feel
You might be…

It’s my life, don’t you forget… *

It was a day out. [A day in!] Rob and I decided that we needed an adventure, so we wandered to NoDa and wandered around for a while… we had a quick and light meal at Cabo’s Fish Tacos [they have lots of other stuff too, and a great atmosphere!] and then went to the Boulevard Gallery for a quick gander… then of course wound up at Amelie’s French Bakery. I’m writing this entry from there while sipping on some excellent coffee and recovering from the chocolate mousse cup pictured above. Seriously… a 24/7 bakery? Sign me up. I love this place.

We also managed to just miss a TORNADO that hit Cleveland County on our way out… wow. Hopefully our apartment will still be there on our return. *meep*
The weather’s been steady-on rainy, Springtime-a-riffic lately, and my freshly seeded balcony garden seems appreciative. I already have some mesclun mix seeds a-sproutin’ and my small herb plants look healthy and happy. I love being a gardener, and I’m really hoping that I do well this year, so that we can add the veggies of my labour into our meals.

To add a little depth to this post, I have been both riddled with Deep Thoughts about my direction in life, and driven with the desire to fine tune some slacker aspects of day to day existence. I will elaborate more as I firm up plans, but let’s just say that there will be more cooking at home and Xiane care-taking to come. It’s something that I’ve been neglecting severely, and I deserve better! I’m the only Xiane that I’ve got, after all.

Have you made new plans for your future lately? Anything that you’ve been wanting to improve in your life? I’d love to hear all about it!
*thank you, Talk Talk!

NOT SAFE FOR WORK. DELIRIOUSLY FUN. HELL YEAH. [okay, I'll stop yelling now]

Weather: hot. Damn hot for April.
Mood: a bit worn but overall upbeat.
Location: on the deck at Broad River Coffeeshop, under an umbrella.
Music: Morrissey, of course.

So hello there… radio silence broken at Chez Xiane, and no worries – things have been as up and down as anyone can expect in this life, but I’m doing well nonetheless.

Update-like things:

• increased Cymbalta dosage. This seems to be effective for now, and my moodiness has been muchly decreased.
• one thing I notice when I’m depressed: I don’t listen to music as much. Lately, I’ve been consuming new music at an alarming rate.
• I’m sick to death of a lot of my clothes and I want some changes.
• I’ve been working very hard on my business, spinning MANY yarns this month. I really do love spinning… so relaxing.
• My hair is long as hell. Seriously.
• My dreams have been amazingly vivid and bizarre lately. I suspect it has to do with the allergy medication that I take, Singulair. Another friend of mine mentioned recently that it gives her nightmares… for me, the dreams are just epic and memorable. So weird.

So there you go. I’m quiet all this time, and I have nothing substantive to give you in exchange for my silence. That’s so like me.

We all need the security that belonging brings…*

This weekend, I went back to a place that I wasn’t sure that I’d ever visit again. Not a specific place, exactly – but a kind of conceptual one.
I had a lovely weekend visit from Kristyne and Jay, with our goal being – besides enjoying our time together – to go revisit dear ol’ blighty… I mean, check out the monthly goth/industrial night in Charlotte, Return Of The Bats. Just in case you don’t know, I haven’t been out to *any* club/bar since… Cirque Macabre in Raleigh, 2007.

There’s a couple of reasons for this. One, and most important – my respiratory system has been b0rken for quite some time. It was a serious problem back when I was doing The Dawning, but I sucked it up and just felt terrible for the following Sunday and Monday every week, for much too long. During Cryptkicker, it was getting pretty bad, to the point that I knew that I really needed to keep myself out of those environments for my own good. But it took having to stay in a smoking-allowed hotel room for a weekend when I was already suffering from bronchitis to pretty much smack sense into my head. After that came the failed attempt at the “methacholine challenge” – basically, my lungs were so weak that they couldn’t risk giving me the the methacholine. Eeek! Obviously, after that, sacrificing going out into smoky environments seemed for the best.

Another reason for not going out to the clubs is… well, burnout. I mean, when you DJ every weekend, plus go to other clubs for fun and socializing, eventually you just get kinda… blase. It’s the same songs, the same clothes, the same lights and smells and everything. Even if the crowds are different and the nights vary in satisfaction, eventually it all blurs. How sad is that? I knew it was time for me to step away until I could re-appreciate something that used to bring me a lot of joy.

ROTB was definitely a lot of fun. I met some new folks who were quite lovely, got to see some Charlotte people that I never see enough of, and had a smashing time with K & J, the most wonderful friends in the world. I didn’t get to dance enough, because of the smoke, and I would have liked that. I probably would benefit from showing early and leaving earlier – both because I usually like the more obscure tunes [I could go another long stretch w/o hearing Headhunter again] and because the smoke is less prevalent in the early part of the evening. I don’t need alcohol to fuel my dancing, which is good, since I don’t drink anymore! I just don’t know if I can go every month, because my lungs might not agree.

Of course, I could always buy a cheap disco light, make my own playlist, and have an impromptu dance night in my apartment when I can’t make it out. Ha! There wouldn’t be fun people to talk to, but at least I could dance and breathe.

Anyway… You can’t go home again, but sometimes you can visit. I had some other points here that I wanted to make, but I’ll be damned if I can remember them right now. Ha!

* Joy Division [novelty]

[anger, disappointment] It’s easy to walk away these days, it seems. It’s easy to write off those you cared about when they let you down… yet for every failure on my part, there was a night when I needed a friend, a hand… and I sat there alone.

[hurt, frustration] Do you even know what’s been going on in my life? I know some of what’s happened in yours. Despite my huge block, the locked door between mind and mouth that keeps me from speaking to you, I read your updates, and I watch for you.

[resignation, sadness] I know I’m a failure at the things that you wanted me to be for you. I hate it. It isn’t that I am unaware of my failures at all. I just seem unable to get up on many days, much less take the risk to reach out and find you. Now, you’re angry at me, and I can’t argue with that. I have been trying to change the things that are broken inside me, but I haven’t done it well enough to give you what you needed as a friend.
[regret]
I don’t know if apologies can repair the rift between us. I don’t know if I should even try. I haven’t been able to heal myself quickly enough for my own good, much less anyone else, and I don’t want to let you down again. But for what it is worth, I am truly sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you, and your friendship has meant the world to me.

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And where does magic come from, I think magic’s in the learning
Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning

- Dar Williams [The Christians and the Pagans]

No matter what you believe
No matter where you are
No matter if you think that you’ve been good or bad
No matter if you hate the holidays, or embrace them happily:

I wish for you Peace
Happiness
Love.

Just a test to see if my cross-platform posting is working. Feel free to comment here if this works!

lyrics from Virgin Prunes [true life story]

It isn’t every day that I get tagged for a meme, but the delightful June Shin charged me with the fun task of following her insightful answers in this one, and I’m just now getting around to filling out my replies. This is a good way for those who might not know so much about me to learn a bit more!

10 years ago I was working as a customer service rep for Upline Publishing, a company that serviced the ever-controversial MLM industry with a monthly journal and industry-geared books and tools. It was a unique insight into what drives the Multi-Level Marketing phenomenon – and an in-depth education on how to convince people to put their hearts into a business, overcoming their objections [and often common sense] to get them to invest their money and time into an often questionable career.

It was a good time for me, financially, as I had great pay, benefits, and leeway to work on my projects while using company equipment. I also had the opportunity to travel and meet people from all over the world. When it finally imploded, it was an ugly 6 months of lingering on at the office until everyone was gone, but it was great while it lasted.

I was writing ‘zines and poetry and I even did some poetry readings at a local coffeeshop in Charlottesville VA, the Mudhouse. I spent a lot of time going out to eat with friends, hiking in the woods, playing with my cats, and avoiding the heartbreak going on in my relationship. Near the end, I started The Violet Dawning with my friend Tank, and we played some small events in our practice space.

8 years ago things were changing for me. I’d started working the door at The Dawning – the weekly Goth/Industrial night in C’ville – as well as regularly playing there with my band. Eventually, I’d take over running the night, booking the bands, and DJing there… and then, taking over the weekly Goth radio show, Subculture Shock, firmly cementing my love of being an on-air DJ. Before that happened, I went up and down in my relationship with Stu, started working at Revolutionary Soup, and went to a LOT of parties.

6 years ago I was running The Dawning with Liam, feeling very put-upon with the notoriety that came with that job, drinking too much, being too stressed out. Hung out constantly with Liam, TheChad, Navy Boy Dan… we spent a LOT of time going to clubs and shows, dancing, drinking, doing guest DJ sets. I’d say I was busy playing the rockstar that year, but it didn’t make me very happy.

Switched jobs halfway through the year from working at RevSoup to working at Coyote, which was the coveted job in town for the rockstar types, as it started late, was run by a friend and hence was super laid-back, and sold lots of interesting things like bondage belts and hairdye. Still dating Stu, though things were continuing to be see-saw-a-riffic. First instances of Vomitus started that year.

2 years ago … I got married to the most amazing man ever, my beloved Rob. My entire life changed, as I moved down here to ol’ Shelby NC, away from my sizeable network of friends and into a completely different life than I’d known. Decided that, after surveying the job opportunites in the area, that it was time for me to open my own business full-time, and Rob agreed to help me with that. Got the ever-delightful Squeegee Cat from the local Humane Society and decided that our household was complete. ♥

5 yummy things:

1. soy lattes or mochas
2. vegan pinapple upside down cupcakes
3. barbeque tempeh
4. mango ANYTHING
5. sweet potato mash with sauteed kale

5 places I would like to escape to:

1. the beach, preferably one that’s deserted
2. a creek in the Blue Ridge mountains
3. Ireland
4. Thailand or somewhere in Indonesia
5. someplace where I can get pampered for a weekend, like a spa retreat

5 things that I would NEVER wear:

1. high heels
2. fur
3. a thong
4. a unitard
5. assless chaps

5 favourite TV shows:

1. LOST
2. Heroes
3. Iron Chef America
4. Good Eats
5. Damages

5 things that I enjoy doing:

1. yoga
2. knitting
3. dancing
4. singing
5. creating/crafting

5 favourite toys:

…uh, everything I use is both for work and a “toy” in that way that it entertains me. So I’d say my laptop, my Mini-Disc camera, my Helio, my Holga, plus all the actual toys that I have scattered about.

☞  I’m not tagging anyone, but if you decide to play, will you let me know in a comment, so that I can read your responses? Thank you! And thanks to June for the tag!