Oh hey, looks like it’s time for another one of those vaguely feminist rants about human sexuality! (another FB note that led to a few people telling me I should really post to a blog or something, so here we are)

Lately I’ve witnessed or been part of a lot of conversations about sexuality. This in itself is not newsworthy, if history tells us nothing else, it’s that people love talking about that stuff all the time. However, I’ve become more aware of something that I had previously come across but not paid much attention to. The idea that only heterosexual intercourse is “real sex”. For your intimacy to count, there has to be a penis and a vagina, and they had better be touching each other or you’re not really doing it.

Seriously? By that standard, I know several gay or trans folks who have never had “legitimate” sex. According to Catholic church rules, there are a lot more virgins out there than one might imagine. Of course, this is not a surprising attitude among people who rant about sex being only for making babies (because there are only 7 fucking billion of us, and we can’t have people thinking it’s cool to get away with enjoying themselves or experiencing intimacy without paying for it in healthy white babies or we are doomed). It isn’t even surprising among people who are feeling insecure or uncertain about their sexuality and want to convince themselves that that time they hooked up with someone of the same gender doesn’t change their current sexual identity because it wasn’t real sex it was just, you know, fooling around. Or people who end up in bed with a friend and are afraid if everyone admits it was sex, it might change their relationship for the worse. There are a ton of ways to justify this mind set, and although I wouldn’t agree with them I can sort of see how it might be rationalized. It’s a joke even the liberal sorts of folks make without often assigning much meaning or seriousness. College experiments and drunken mistakes. It didn’t count, you know?

However, I think it cannot be expressed enough how harmful this kind of thinking can be to everyone. How many teenagers are out there having sex without being prepared for it emotionally because blow jobs don’t count? How many relationships are devalued or dismissed because of this narrow definition? To take it to a darker place, how many victims of sexual assault are told that what happened to them wasn’t really rape because it wasn’t “real sex”?

I was recently accused of reducing sex to a meaningless social exchange or a frivolous selfish act during a debate about abortion rights, ironically because I suggested that sex is essential to the human condition and something that consenting adults should be able to practice without fear or ridicule. This struck me as odd considering that the implication was that sex was nothing more than a necessary step one must endure when making a fetus. It isn’t like I don’t think casual non romantic sex is possible, or even that it’s bad or wrong in any way. It isn’t that I think sex needs to be treated as a grave and serious event (that would be pretty awful, wouldn’t it?). It’s that I think we need to expand our definitions of acceptable, valid, sexuality and not hide behind euphemisms to avoid calling it what it is. It’s important. It’s recreational. It’s intimate. It’s real. None of these things are mutually exclusive. Something to think about at least.

Kali

I am prone to both violently rejecting people taking me seriously, and insisting that I have serious things to talk about. I also enjoy silly hats, puppets, and protesting the evils of capitalism while drinking massive amounts of fair trade coffee.

A guest blogger position you say? PERFECT!

This was originally posted on Facebook, but I got so many messages immediately after I decided to share it here also. It’s something that comes up often enough as an atheist questioned about my morality that I figure it might come in handy for anyone else trying to explain that it’s quite possible to be ethical without involving god. It even has a helpful diagram!

Ok. So earlier today on Facebook I posted the quote “Here’s the problem with technology: it allows people who don’t believe in science to use it.”

This is funny. Let me explain why: The application of science allows us to create many useful tools. Often we use these tools without understanding why or how they work, and this has allowed many people who actively campaign against science education (because they don’t believe it explains the workings of the world as well as say, the bible or the magical talking crystals they worship or whatever) to do things like drive their cars to anti-science conventions and listen to Glenn Beck on the radio, radios and cars both being inventions that would not be possible without using scientific methods to learn about the world and then apply that information to engineer things like engines and radios.

Actually wait, that’s kind of tragic and pathetic. But I digress.

At some point, someone will feel the need to attack what I’ve posted because they don’t get it. I usually try to explain, but I keep making the same mistake over and over and falling into an unwinnable battle that leaves me grumpy and wondering why I can’t just shake people until they agree to start making sense. The mistake I make, is often that I assume we are all on the same page with what science is or isn’t, and what it’s for, and that we also all understand what religion is and isn’t and what it’s for. One of my friends mentioned this at some point and I realized where things were going off track. I made a picture to help clarify things.

Ok, so here we are. The thing is, science is NOT a substitute for religion. The reason is that the scientific method (and its practical applications) does not have anything to say about how one should use information or technology gained from its use. It is not a code for living, or moral behavior. It’s neutral. An individual who chooses to accept a fact based reality still must come up with their own code for ethical behavior. If one desires to be kind and do the right thing, and also has an understanding of the consequences of their actions, they will probably do a decent job of it. Some people who embrace reality still end up being asshats, but it’s an unrelated personal failing.

Religion on the other hand, not only offers it’s own, usually completely nonsensical explanation for how the mechanics of the universe operate (which for some reason people often cling to despite mountains of evidence contradicting it), it attempts to offer rules for behavior as well based on nothing more than “God(s) said so”. Some of these behaviors, are nice, some are terrible, but the problem with even the “nice” rules is that they are dogma, not based on people considering why they should or should not do something and what kind of person it makes them. Christianity is far from the only offender in this area, but if you challenge someone who is homophobic and the reason they give you is “The bible says being gay is wrong”, that’s it. You can’t argue with them, because their justifications aren’t based in reality or logic. As they say “You can’t argue someone out of a position they didn’t argue themselves into”. Non religious people can also hold these misconceptions of course, and a dogmatic atheist is just as wrong, but religion openly embraces the idea that it’s ok to follow rules for no reason other than it says so in your list of rules that god wants you to follow even if it’s hurting people.

I’ve been hurt by this thinking personally many times, and so have countless other friends and strangers around the world. I care about this argument because I care about people, not just because I’m a snarky know it all who needs to be right. Actually, I don’t know a lot when it comes to specifics. I don’t have a degree in any of the sciences, or a ready list of facts for everything. What I DO have is a mind capable of reason. You do too, and for the benefit of humanity, I want you to use it for good as much as possible.

So on one hand we have a system that lets us learn about the world but leaves it to us to decide how to act based on a personal moral code. On the other hand we have a system that encourages people to base their live choices on made up stories with no evidence to support them and often directs people (or lets people use it as an excuse for harmful behavior) to do really awful things in its name.

Why would you ever argue faith over knowledge?

Kali

I am prone to both violently rejecting people taking me seriously, and insisting that I have serious things to talk about. I also enjoy silly hats, puppets, and protesting the evils of capitalism while drinking massive amounts of fair trade coffee.

A guest blogger position you say? PERFECT!

Yesterday it looked like it was going to storm, so I headed out for a walk. I was hoping to get caught in the rain. In times of stress, I need to do something that takes away some aspect of control, and summer storms are perfect. There is something intensely soothing about just giving in and getting soaked and not even trying to stave off total dishevelment. There are no ear buds full of sound to separate me from the world, and no one else around to distract me. When it’s good, it makes me think that this sort of experience is what the Islamic concept of “submission to god” in it’s pure pre-organized religion form must have originally been inspired by.

It is a good opportunity to think without interruption. One thing I’ve been thinking about and talking about a lot in the last week is the question of personal responsibility. Specifically, how much is it fair to ask of people when it comes to addressing the problems of the world? On one extreme I know that there are people who are willing to become fugitives living “off the grid” and giving up anything they can’t grow or craft themselves including modern medical supplies and coffee. This is, in my humble opinion, batshit insane. On the other end of taking a stand, there are the folks who honestly seem to think buying free range eggs is their fair share of world saving action. This is even MORE insane. Whatever reality those people inhabit, I want in on that.

Let me be clear. This is not about one-upmanship. This is not a guilt trip either. I think that most people, if they are honest with themselves, understand that the amount of suffering in the world is vast. Even in America where I can live below the federal poverty line in ways that most parts of the world might consider decadent, divisive wealth disparity, social inequality, and an obscene flaunting of excessive wealth in the same place that people are dying because they can’t get medical care is a daily reality. At a certain point, something will have to give, either in the direction of a revolution away from fear and towards hope, or a downward spiral towards a violent crash. So what do we do about it?

None of us is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect to be. Unfortunately, along with polarization in the realm of politics, it seems harder and harder to suggest a middle path without extreme defensiveness on the part of “crazy radicals” and “spoiled middle class whiners” alike. If you ask people for more, they often attack your lifestyle or dismiss your concerns as paranoia, or they claim your expectations are unrealistic and that the reason other people can do more is that they are better off. If you tell people that you think they may in fact be a little too fanatical for a meeting of the minds, they accuse you of being an uncommitted wimp who isn’t willing to make the real sacrifices. Is this fair? In either case?

I live pretty low impact compared to the average American. If the economy relied on people like me to regularly buy new things instead of repairing them or buying used goods and purchase services rather than mostly relying on friends or myself + wikihow , it would collapse instantly. However, I can do this in large part because of the excess a lot of other people engage in and because my priorities do not involve children or student loans. I buy fancy coffee. I threw away two egg yolks the other day despite listening to a TED talk on worldwide food waste issues. I do volunteer work regularly, try to engage in my local community, and seek out opportunities to educate myself about ways to be a more responsible citizen. I also waste much of my spare time creating social divisions by mocking hipsters, purchasing and enjoying cheap plastic goods made by underpaid workers overseas, and squandering what remains of my health and disposable income by drinking diet sodas produced by truly sinister corporations. I am both a shining example of progressive activism, and a terrible person and shameless consumer who is helping to bring the planet and society closer to its doom with every sip of my white (privilege) mocha.

There must be a reasonable expectation of effort without the shaming or accusations of lacking empathy. I can say without hesitation that on the whole, people are NOT doing enough. The evidence is all around us. The world is hurting way more than it needs to. It can be tempting to say there isn’t much we can do given the limited impact of consumer choice and the fact that one person recycling bottles isn’t going to change an entire economy based on waste and infinite growth. Besides, why should YOU live like a scavenger and give up most of the luxuries of the first world if no one else is going to? You’ll just end up hurting yourself for no reason, and don’t we ALL know a bitter martyr who took that path? Don’t be that guy. But do be a better guy. Everyone can do something a little better. Everyone can start living a tiny bit more responsibly. These small changes will not save the world, but they may help to create a social norm of responsibility. The battle you choose might not make everyones life better, but it will definitely make SOMEONES life better. It sounds trite, but it all adds up. And while you are making small changes and reevaluating your immediate needs vs. a brighter future and trying to figure out ways to make the BIG changes happen? Consider this. I believe that the most important thing anyone can do is to approach every problem with as little ego as possible. If you see being asked to give something as having something denied to you or being told you are “doing it wrong”, it will end with nothing but bad feelings and the same problems (now with 120% more spite and resentment!). I cannot begin to tell you how often I hear people proudly proclaim that they are going to do something selfish or bad for the environment, not because they want to, but because “fuck you hippie” (childish much?).

Who am I to think I can tell you not to eat veal or buy a third car? Heck, I’m no one. I’m not an authority figure, or your real dad, or your nagging conscience. I’m just someone asking you humbly to make kindness and responsibility to your community your priority over never letting anyone tell you how to live and confusing things you desire with things you deserve. I am also a fellow terrible human being, suggesting that I hope it’s ok to not feel shame for enjoying the good things that life allows us to have.

P.S. – Originally I wanted to write about the upcoming G8 protests happening around Camp David in Maryland. I decided against this, but you should totally check it out. Cool stuff is happening. This is some of it.

Kali

I am prone to both violently rejecting people taking me seriously, and insisting that I have serious things to talk about. I also enjoy silly hats, puppets, and protesting the evils of capitalism while drinking massive amounts of fair trade coffee.

A guest blogger position you say? PERFECT!

Honestly it kind of freaks me out to be saying anything at all. However, a link shared with me by a friend (a photography project focused on body image and identity) made me think about it a lot. My body. I am, generally speaking, not a fan. Being the sick kid a lot meant constantly having to deal with my physical self in the context of fighting something defective, diseased, and weak. When I was nine I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I was diagnosed with a pretty serious case of depression (later re-diagnosed as manic depressive) shortly after that. I went from being an abnormally healthy little kid who spent all of my time running around outside and exploring to a cripplingly self conscious teenager. Chubby from a mix of medication side effects and a mother so anti-body image that instead of promoting healthy habits (which apparently are just society judging you *eyeroll*) it was never mentioned when the latest failed attempt at finding an antidepressant that worked made me crave junk food and gain another few pounds binging (pretending a problem doesn’t exist is not known for being a healthy solution). I was often tired and in pain due to said depression and endless medications. I was a mess due to the fact that unlike all of the other kids TRYING to be cool, I really didn’t care how I dressed or put any effort into my appearance (I spent most of my young adult life looking like a female version of Kurt Cobain). My first boyfriend definitely made it clear he desired me, but he also constantly talked about how amazingly hot other girls (who never looked anything like me) were and pointed out flaws I hadn’t thought to add to my list of things I hated about me on my own. After seven years of that I figured I was the best he could do and that he had settled. Pile on top of that the additional damage and residual symptoms from three years of undiagnosed Lymes disease and it’s no wonder that I generally think of my body as an ugly weight rather than an important part of me.

Things have improved. I’m physically recovered enough to go back to the woods. I never feel more powerful and pretty then when I can fight my way to the top of a mountain and look down and know that my legs got me there and while my lungs and knees might hurt a bit, they work now. I am not in pain so much that I have to disconnect from myself and I am learning to feel more in control and trust my body to not fall or break all the time. I’m taking belly dance classes, something that if you told me I’d be doing last year I’d have laughed in your face. I have a friend who tells me I’m beautiful and is convincing enough that I sometimes believe him. I still look at other people and think “I wish I could have that body/strength/energy, just for a week to know what it’s like”. I still fight with my sicknesses, and have days where I hurt and am exhausted. I worry about how things will be as I get older. I still don’t love my body, but I’m starting to think that we could be friends.

I looked through these photographs of women for a long time and I thought they were so beautiful. Few of them would ever be considered for commercial modeling, some are older or scarred or tattooed. They have lived and their bodies show it. If you took my picture and added it to this gallery I would not stand out. That simple idea made me so happy when it popped into my head. I’m not average, or “normal” or like everyone else, but I’m not a freak.

Cool, huh?

Check it out. Maybe you fit in here too.

Kali

I am prone to both violently rejecting people taking me seriously, and insisting that I have serious things to talk about. I also enjoy silly hats, puppets, and protesting the evils of capitalism while drinking massive amounts of fair trade coffee.

A guest blogger position you say? PERFECT!