I write, as openly as possible, about my experiences with life, love, creativity, depression and not-depression. I share opinions. I promote compassion and change. I talk about music. I also write poetry and short stories. I like to share them here.
[blog title: More by Sisters of Mercy]
It’s no big secret if you’ve been with me for a while – I get anxious. Anxiety is ALL about fear, generally of the unknown, the big “what if?”
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if they laugh at me?
What if I hurt her feelings?
What if I ruin everything forever?
It’s all about the same thing, even the ones that worry about my effects on other people.
WHAT IF I GET HURT?
I’m borrowing pain from the future, a future that might not even exist.
I’m shaping my actions around the premise that I’m going to get hurt, and all too often that leads to inaction and losing out on things that had the potential to be good, because I was too afraid of the possibility that not getting it/making it happen would hurt worse. Basically, it leaves me the choices of living in stasis or letting things only ever happen TO me, rather than making choices, because that way it’s the fault of Fate, not me. At least I can avoid the extra helping of guilt if Fate is to blame.
And the saddest thing is that either way, I suffer – because I don’t even get the chance of the good outcomes, when I deny all outcomes.
Fear is such a big part of all of our lives. It is often the underlying character in our decisions and behaviors. Fear can be a really great tool, and an amazing way to let you know that something might be worth doing. Get yourself on the other side of fear, what do you think you might find?
I read this from Alexis today and it really struck home. Too, too many opportunities lost when fear is used as a cushion to keep me from harm instead of an signal to pay attention, maybe this is worth a risk. Maybe the reason I’m afraid is because there’s the potential for an amazing payoff on the other side?
[post title: lyrics from Acid, Bitter and Sad by This Mortal Coil]
I will not compel you
to take the steps towards me
it is not my place
to convince you to reach out
you will have to find words
that show me what you’re wanting
we can share the dreaming
but only side by side.
I have waited lifetimes
but time is growing shorter
perhaps i am just destined
to walk this dream alone.
I’m beginning to wonder if there’s just something really wrong with me, after all.
I don’t know how to be different.
[lyrics from Perfect Day by Lou Reed]
I try to be upbeat. I really do. Most of the time, I am up, so it’s easy enough.
I don’t like to drag people down. I like to lift them up, too.
But it’s hard when the times are darker and I need someone to confide to. No one wants to hear about your low points, even if they usually tell you to “share all of you!” and “you can tell me everything!” and “it’s safe, you’re safe with me!” and “I understand, I’ve been there too.” Those, the last ones – they’re the trickiest, because they understand but then they often get scared or resentful or cautious or something – afraid they’ll get pulled back in. And they’re often the first to say “share, be truthful” and the first to say “you’re depressing me.”
And then I feel sad AND guilty.
Best not to tell anyone anything, I swear. Just the happy face forever, even if it’s bullshit.
…no, that’s not happening. I am 100% myself, truthful, honest about what I’m feeling and how I’m dealing with it. If that’s not okay, get out now. If that’s too much to deal with, then maybe I’m not worth being around for you. If I have to hide my truth in order to be your friend or lover or be in you company… well, that just ain’t gonna work for me. I will be there through high and low for you, I deserve the same. I’m a complete person, not just the happy-go-lucky parts.
I’m waking up.
I haven’t felt this alive in a while. I want this feeling.
I saw this, unattributed, on Facebook yesterday, and it fully summed up my attitude about things that have gone down of late:
If my absence doesn’t affect your life than my presence has no meaning in it.
I want people who will work hard to keep me around. [I have some amazing friends who fit this bill and are probably more than I deserve.] I want people who miss me when I’m not there and won’t just replace me with other people, video games, alcohol, etc. I want those who are enthusiastic about me, in good times and bad. Otherwise, what’s the point?
And most importantly, I want someone who will let me lean against them as much as they want to lean against me. I want the hug to be deep and reciprocal. If there’s more, I want that to be as captivating and exciting for both of us as possible. One-sided doesn’t work. Let us meet in the middle and strengthen each other.
So much change has happened in my life lately. Nothing much that the casual observer would see, but for me, the entire landscape of my world has been shifting. I’ve lost people from my tribe. I’ve had a prodigal return. I found something that feels beautiful and full of promise. I have been moving through disappointment with my head mostly held high – I mean, you have to mourn when you have losses, but the trick is to do that and keep moving, else you get bogged down there.
It’s easy in those moments -when you’re losing, when you’re watching another person walk away because you’re not what they wanted – to feel like it’s you, like you’re the one who ruins everything.
But LISTEN TO ME. Please?
Most of the time, you’re not. You’re not the one ruining it, it’s not ruined at all. It’s just that you weren’t the right person at the right time. You didn’t fail, you just weren’t where you were going to thrive. You haven’t run out of options. You have so many great things to come.
This is to me. This is to you, whoever you are. The world is big and confusing and exciting and dirty and magical, all at once. People are lovely and ugly and kind and mean and so very fucking HUMAN. That’s the curse and the beauty of it, you know. You don’t get one without the other.
Take a chance. Love. Live. Dance, sing, explore, dream. This is it, this is what you get – don’t waste that.
In Elizium I found a home.
Do not believe what they say, the tales are all exaggerated – there is magic to be found, sure… for the right price. No one sleeps at night here. The dusty streets are filled with the wraith-like folk from dusk to dawn, and no one ventures forth into the sunlight – there are too many truths to hide.
We are desperate here. You can see the once-finery; splendid jewel toned stained glass now obscured by filth… awe-inspiring architecture eroded by the ill-educated hands of the rabble… once fine storefronts now boarded over, their wares abandoned for cheaper pleasures.
No sane person stays in Elizium for long. This is my new home.
The words come quickly to me,
silence of mind compounded only
by the soft chiming of various
skeleton keys that hang,
from a scarlet ribbon.
They are pinned to my hip,
so the delicate noise serves
as a counterpoint to my almost
soundless footfalls down the
Soon, so soon
will I arrive at the tower,
my great secret room
the circle at the end of the cycle…
a beginning to an end.
The tower has no windows,
only ceilings so high, with
strong rafters and tapestry
Curiously, the tapestries have seemed
colorless of late.
But even if the chamber is small,
and the space is dark:
I hold the keys.
My prison is my own to keep.
[© 2015 Christiane Knight; this is part of the Oneiromantic Series]
You know nothing, you know nothing at all
How could you know, you’ll never know anything at all
SWANS – You Know Nothing
You had a chance to know me. I stand here, open hearted and ready to be by your side in every part of life, if only you wanted it.
You became a ghost.
You chose another who will never choose you.
You got scared and ran away.
You dismissed me because I don’t fit a preconceived mold of what you think you want.
You just weren’t paying attention.
You took me for granted, because you thought I’d always be there.
I am bigger than that. You cannot break me. You cannot extinguish the light in my eyes, the small light in the darkness that is me, just because you were too blind to see it. You have nothing in your hands that you can offer me, because you missed what was right in front of you.
And I will keep moving forward until I find those who DO see me, and I will be happy. May you find happiness as well, even as you move away from the galaxy in which I reside.
Soon I’ll see your light like a pinprick in the sky, like the other stars that I see when I look up at night. I’ll wave at you as you pass overhead.
Hello, star that I used to know. Goodbye.
And I laid it all out there
for you to see
and you looked it over, pronounced it Good
we traded little bits of heart and soul
and for a few moments
a golden moment or two
I thought “here is the
muse, here is the seeker, here is
the one who will see all of me.”
but it’s a fact
the way of my path
that i will never be that which
is The Honored One
The One You Keep
I am always the one
you were looking for
and yet the one from which
you will walk away.