Who’s to say what’s a ghost and what’s a memory?
What’s the truth and what’s just an artifact of dreams?
I’ve chased down almost dream I’ve had, done my best to bring it to reality. Despite my uncomfortable and difficult past, throwing up barriers that have held plenty of people back, I managed to create a life that if nothing else, was filled with personal successes.
I became skilled at chasing down opportunities, working hard to position myself in ways that bolstered the communities I was involved with and allowed me to pursue the paths I’d dreamed of taking.
But never, ultimately, to a place of safety or comfort. I sacrificed stability and a regular income in order to follow those dreams.
One could argue that my soul, my life experience, was enriched, and sure. That’s true and I’m grateful for that. Having those achievements made me feel good, taught me things that I drew from later, and were fulfilling enough at the time. It wasn’t until the end of each era that I realized how I’d been cheated out of part of the experience: the one where I was repaid for all the work I put into sustaining the environment built around what I did.
I don’t regret any of my choices, but it hurts sometimes to know that the energy that I’ve given to a community or scene was valued enough to enjoy and take advantage of, but not enough to support the person providing it. Now that I’ve shifted paths – but there’s still crossover, and I create things that should appeal to some of the same people – most of the people who were part of my past life are nowhere to be found. And that’s fine; if we’re not meant to walk the same paths anymore, that’s a thing. And if I’m not worth supporting now because of that, that’s another thing. I learn from them both. I adjust my dreams.
Perhaps it sounds like I’m complaining, and it’s true that I’ve complained about this before. But no, this is just me putting it down for the record and sharing it with others who might experience the same: some people will become memories. Others will turn into ghosts: they’re still around but insubstantial, untouchable. There’s no need to mourn, this is the way of the world.
And sometimes the support you thought would be there for you is an artifact of dreams you once had. It’s time to walk through the world with eyes open and mind aware. It’s time to put memories and ghosts behind you.
